Have you heard the saying, “Don’t confuse me with the facts; my mind’s made up”? Every day, we make thousands of decisions about our world and the people in our lives, some of which are based on facts and others that are based on our judgments.
In this blog I am inviting you to notice what those decisions actually are. It seems to me that sometimes we are passing judgment on ourselves or others which is different from making assessments. It also means that sometimes we are being judged by others.
As you probably already know, I like to check out definitions when I am sharing ideas in a blog. Google gave me one from Oxford dictionary defining an assessment: “The evaluation or estimation of the nature, quality, or ability of someone or something.” One of the definitions from the Merriam Webster dictionary for the word judgment: “a proposition stating something believed or asserted.” I also want to note that related to the concept of judging is having an opinion which sometimes is imposed on somebody as if it were a fact or a truth.
To get through life, we need to be able to make judgments to ensure our safety and to provide opportunities to align with an individual or a group. If we are a member of a political party or a faith organization, we probably combined our abilities to assess with our abilities to make judgments.
How does it make you feel when it appears that someone is judging you? Sometimes it’s that brief facial expression that shows they approve or disapprove of you. Sometimes it’s in the words they say, which can be harsh at times. “I can’t believe you think that’s true!” Sometimes these interactions are gentler. “I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on this even though I think you are wrong.”
We can feel judged just by noticing how someone looks at us. The look might last for only a few seconds, but we know a judgment is being passed, whether it is one of disapproval or approval.
Our feelings can be impacted if we are judging or if we are assessing. I don’t want to be someone who is imposing my judgments on others because I value a person’s right to their perspectives. Of course, at the same time it is necessary sometimes to judge somebody. For example, I may need to make a quick judgment if I feel uncomfortable with a stranger trying to impose something on me.
In previous blogs I have mentioned how much I value the use of continuum language rather than absolute language along with acknowledging that something is my opinion versus a fact. When we use continuum language in sharing an opinion, I think it makes it fairer and less judgmental. Notice the differences in how it makes you feel if someone says, “There is no way anyone should agree with that!” versus “I think sometimes people might disagree with that.” I prefer to save my absolute, non-continuum language for those things that go against my moral belief system. “There is no way I would ever condone child abuse!”
One other dimension to consider: to what extent do I judge myself or make assessments about myself in my internal dialogue? Am I kind and nurturing towards myself? If not, it is important to have an internal conversation to learn healthier ways to think about yourself.
I hope this blog has given you a few moments to pause and reflect on the differences between judging and assessing, and to notice when you or others are in one camp or the other. I appreciate the power that knowing this gives me to decide how I want to interact with others and myself. I think it puts me more in charge of the ways I think about and speak to others and internally speak to myself.
Invitation for Reflection
- Think about some of your recent interactions with others. To what extent do you think people were judging or assessing? How did these interactions make you feel?
- Think about your interactions in the last few hours. To what extent do you think you were more assessing or were more judging? How do you think others were responding to you?
- What are some of the internal messages you are transmitting to yourself? Specifically, what do you need to do to make them kinder and healthier if any negatively impact you?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute