Let me start this blog by predicting that some readers may think I am being overly sensitive. That may be, but I am sharing something that is important to me.
Have you seen the commercial where a woman says, “My age is like my phone number – it’s unlisted.” This is true for me, and I suspect is true for many others. It is what I say when someone asks my age. Actually, as far back as my adolescence I have not wanted to share my age – even then I felt like there was a potential to be judged – in those days that I was too young.
I know there are many people who happily share how old they are. Sometimes they seem to assume that if they share their age, I should as well.
As I have gotten older, I notice how I am treated as if I am somehow less capable, less qualified, more likely to forget or not understand. Yes, I am not good with technology – never have been. I don’t know the latest music and I’m not on Instagram or TikTok. I know I am a senior citizen but mostly I know I am still me. (I think of the Josh Groban song, “You’re Still You” that has the lyrics “Time changes everything, One truth always stays the same, You’re still you.”)
It was nice to find that there is a name for this – agism. According to Very Well Mind, “Ageism bias refers to discrimination and prejudice against individuals based on their age, often manifesting as negative stereotypes about older adults. It can take various forms, including stigma against older individuals, and can affect people of all ages, both young and old. Ageism is deeply ingrained in society, leading to harmful consequences that can erode solidarity across generations and perpetuate injustice…. Understanding and addressing ageism is crucial for fostering a more inclusive society.”
There are many isms in our world. Here are five common isms:
- Capitalism: An economic system where private individuals own and control property and businesses. It emphasizes free markets, competition, and consumer choice.
- Feminism: A movement advocating for women’s rights on the basis of equality. Feminists challenge gender inequalities in social, political, and economic spheres.
- Socialism: An economic system emphasizing collective or governmental ownership of production means. It’s characterized by equal distribution of wealth among citizens.
- Racism: A belief that races possess distinct characteristics making one race superior to another. Racism leads to discrimination and social injustice.
- Nationalism: A political ideology promoting the interests of a particular nation. Nationalists prioritize national sovereignty over global cooperation.
(For perhaps the most comprehensive list of isms I have ever seen, check out the website The Phrontistery, that lists and defines 234 isms – pretty amazing!)
I think about questions most people probably wish others would not ask such as: “What is your income?” “How much do you weigh?” “When was your first sexual encounter?” “Who did you vote for in the last election?” A person may just be trying to make conversation, trying to get to know someone, i.e., this is their intention, but the impact can be feelings of pressure, confusion, annoyance or resentment. More benign questions include, “Have you lived around here for a long time?” “Do you think the Phillies will go all the way?” “Do you like this warm weather?” Also, the closer you are to someone, the more likely you won’t mind more probing questions and sometimes you appreciate the interest they have in what is going on in your life.
Back to agism, I don’t feel ready to be put out to pasture (Would that mean I would be pasteurized? 😊) Maybe one day retirement will sound like a good idea to me. Right now, I enjoy my job and feel like I have more to contribute because of what I do. I am happy for friends who have retired and seem to love their new lives.
For me the bottom line is, I don’t think we have the right to judge others’ decisions and that can be influenced by the question, “How old are you?”.
Invitation for Reflection
- How do you feel when someone asks you how old you are?
- Have you ever considered that others may prefer not to share their age?
- What are some of the questions others have asked you that made you uncomfortable? How did you respond?
- If you have asked others about their age, do you think you might rethink asking that?
- Are there other questions you might now reconsider asking?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute