I so appreciate the conversations I have here at Lakeside with my colleagues. Today I was speaking with somebody about a workshop she was working on and in it she will be inviting participants to differentiate between reactions and responses. I thought you, my readers, might find it interesting to consider these differences and to be more intentional when you interact with others.
As I usually do, I wanted to start with some definitions. However, I found that even the most prestigious dictionaries were not clear about the differences between reacting and responding. For example, Britannica.com states that a response “can mean a reply, a reaction, or a result to something else.” The website Vocabulary.com states that a response is “a reaction to a question, experience, or some other type of stimulus. If you cry at sad movies, you’re having an emotional response to the drama that’s taking place on the screen.” As you will learn, this is not correct! Definitions.net says a response is “a reaction or reply to a stimulus or situation. In general, it can refer to both non-verbal and verbal reactions and can be immediate or delayed.” Again, the two terms seem to be seen as interchangeable.
I thought the information from the website Coaching Online was much clearer about the differences between reactions and responses.
“A reaction is instant, instinctive and purely emotional. It’s driven by the unconscious mind. That’s why you often seem to react ‘without thinking’. A reaction is based entirely in the heat of the moment. When you react, you rarely give due consideration for the long-term consequences of your actions. A response occurs after you consider the desired outcome of the situation. In most cases, you’ll consider the long-term consequences of your actions. As such, a response usually aligns with your core values.
Another key difference: reacting and responding are fueled by different parts of the brain.
A reaction is fueled by the reptilian brain. This animalistic part of the brain evolves first. That’s why a young child always tends to express itself by reacting. Its understanding of how to respond doesn’t develop until later.
This section of the brain is concerned primarily with avoiding harm and keeping you alive. The ‘fight or flight’ response – which sparks up when we sense danger – is triggered by this part of the brain. Our ‘auto-pilot’ behaviors are also controlled here.
A response is fueled by the more evolved part of our brain, the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is responsible for our more complex thoughts, above our animalistic desires for food, water, sex, physical comfort etc.”
They share this example: A man is pushing you and insulting you.
“You might react to this provocation by trying to hurt him. Indeed, the ‘fight or flight’ response reacts when one believes they’re in danger. At the very least, you might react by pushing and insulting him back. In fact, it’s common to instinctively react by copying the behavior of the aggressor.
However, you might respond differently because responding involves consideration of the consequences. You might conclude that fighting could get you hurt, or it could land you in trouble with the law. It would certainly damage your future relationship with this man and his friends. Perhaps you’ll still fight this guy (depending on your values) but most likely you’ll conclude it makes sense to exit the situation.”
They address the question of which one is better with the following response:
“When we react, we’re at the mercy of our emotions. Our reptilian brain makes a knee-jerk reaction based on how we feel in the moment. Often, when we do this, the future consequences are dire, as you can see in the first two examples.
In this event, we often sense that we’re not acting like ourselves. That’s because reactions are spontaneous and not based on our conscious morals or values.
When we respond, we are in control of our thoughts. We use logic to consider the consequences for ourselves – and probably those around us. We make decisions based on our existing values. Although we might not always make the correct decision, we’re at least putting our intelligence to work. In most cases, the end result is better when we do this.”
Why do people react instead of respond?
“The simple answer is: because it’s easier. When we react, it involves almost zero brain power. You’ll use no willpower, no self-control, no mental strength, no consideration of others. None of that!
When we respond, we have to overpower the natural urge to react. It does require effort. This involves self-awareness and mental strength. The thing is: a lot of us don’t have enough of it! This is especially true when we are stressed or fatigued. It’s in these moments we are more likely than ever to cave in and react instead of responding calmly.”
They add that sometimes it is healthier to react because reacting is often linked to our ‘fight or flight’ mechanism – and that is responsible for keeping us safe and alive.
Back to the concept of responding, they share the following five steps:
- Pause. The moment you notice your emotions changing, pause and breathe.
- Label Your Emotions. Are you angry? Is it frustration? Grief? It’s easier to process an emotion when you consciously put a name on it.
- Ask Yourself Why. Why are you about to react? Be as detailed as possible. This question can help you identify and deal with subconscious trauma. It can also help you realize that it would be silly to react.
- Choose A Mindful Response. Ask yourself what your desired outcome is, then choose from a list of responses most likely to get you there.
- Empower Yourself. Notice how much better it was to respond from a place of mindfulness instead of reacting out of negative animalistic emotion. Give yourself a pat on the back.
I found it empowering to learn more about the differences between reacting and responding. It allows me to be more in charge of my interactions with others. It is my hope that you experience a similar response.
Invitation for Reflection
- Reflect on your interactions over the last few days. How often do you believe you were reacting and how often were you responding? What were the outcomes of these interactions especially regarding the emotional and relational health of those with whom you were interacting?
- As you consider these interactions, is there anything you now believe could have been healthier with regard to the times you were reacting and when you were responding? Specifically, what would you have done differently?
- What do you hope to do in the future with regard to reacting and responding to others?
- Can you recall times when others in your life were either reacting or responding to you? How did their responses impact you? Your relationship?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute