My dear friend and colleague Suzanne did some research after our conversations about the importance of setting boundaries, especially when in a relationship with someone who is relationally immature. It turns out that there is more we all should consider in addition to boundaries in those and other relationships. According to Google, “Boundaries, rules, and expectations are essential concepts that shape our interactions and relationships, each serving distinct purposes and originating from different motivations.”
Let’s begin by pausing to appreciate that relationships can have power over us and we can claim our power over them. As you read this blog, you might consider the degrees to which you are aware of the power of relationships and your power over this power.
Suzanne discovered a post from Victoria Chiamaka that we both believe provides clear descriptions of boundaries, expectations and rules. She is described as a writer, content strategist, and multidisciplinary creative (beauty, fashion, lifestyle).
Here are her definitions with some extra information:
1. Boundaries
Boundaries are about you, what you allow, accept, and need to feel safe and respected. They’re not about controlling others; they’re about protecting your peace.
Examples of Boundaries:
- I don’t lend money I can’t afford to lose.
- Please knock before entering my room.
Ms. Chiamaka provides this formula: “Boundaries = self-respect + self-protection.”
In my last blog I shared the following: According to the website Simply Psychology, “Boundaries are personal limits that individuals set for themselves to protect their own well-being, values, and sense of self within a relationship. They define what a person is comfortable with and what they will not tolerate. A boundary is like an invisible line that separates you from others on an emotional, intellectual, and physical level.”
2. Expectations
Expectations are about what you hope or assume others will do.
The problem? If they’re not communicated and adhered to, they often lead to disappointment.
I would add that it is especially important to be aware of your expectations of anyone in your life who is relationally immature. Those expectations can lead to painful disappointments.
Examples of Expectations:
- I expect my partner to be faithful.
- I expect my friends to show up for me when I’m going through a hard time.
Ms. Chiamaka provides this formula: “Expectations = desires/assumptions (but not guarantees).”
3. Rules
Rules are about control and enforcement. They dictate what others must do, often with consequences attached. Rules work in structured environments (schools, jobs, parenting) but not always in healthy adult relationships.
Note that it can be very difficult to establish rules if you don’t have the authority to do so, as often is true between adults of equal stature. Relationally immature people can agree to adhere to rules; however, for the same reasons you need realistic expectations of them, as you can anticipate they may break rules they previously agreed to.
Examples of Rules:
- “You must reply to my messages within 10 minutes.”
- “In this house, everyone must wash their plates immediately after eating.”
Ms. Chiamaka’s formula: “Rules = control + restriction.”
Ms. Chiamaka’s summary:
- Boundaries protect your energy.
- Expectations set hopes (but may disappoint if not expressed and adhered to).
- Rules control others and usually come with resistance.
- Healthy relationships thrive on clear boundaries, openly communicated expectations and fewer rigid rules.”
I hope like me you found this information clarifying. I hope we all now know more about what we need to do and not do with those in our lives who are relationally immature.
Invitation for Reflection
- Does this information enhance your understanding of what we all need to know and do in our relationships, especially those with relationally immature people?
- Specifically, what was helpful and why?
- What are some expectations you need to create? Ones you already have in place? Want to examine?
- What are some rules you may want to create?
- What are the specifics of these rules?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute