Recently I was discussing something with a friend about an issue I was facing, and they did the equivalent of rolling their eyes as if to say, “What’s the big deal about this?”
It wasn’t meant to be a mean statement and there was no intention of discounting me or what I was saying. It was more like they were saying, “You shouldn’t let this bother you.” But I was aware of feeling inferior and that I was disappointing this person.
So of course, I did a little research and thought the following information was clarifying:
Definitions and Usage of the Term Cavalier
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, Cambridge, “a cavalier attitude refers to a careless, nonchalant, or dismissive approach to important matters, often showing disregard for consequences or others’ feelings. It describes behavior that is offhand, unconcerned, or slightly arrogant, particularly when seriousness or caution is expected. Someone with a cavalier attitude may ignore rules, advice, or potential risks, acting as if the matter at hand is trivial or unworthy of attention.” For example, a person might be described as having a cavalier attitude toward spending money, safety protocols, or deadlines, implying a lack of proper care or responsibility (Britannica).
Historical Context – A little background search on the term
The term “cavalier” originally referred to a mounted soldier or knight, derived from the Latin caballārius, meaning “horseback rider” (Merriam-Webster). In the 17th century, English Puritans used it to describe royalist supporters of Charles I, often with disdain. Over time, the adjective evolved to describe someone who is gallant or stylishly nonchalant, eventually acquiring the modern sense of careless or dismissive behavior (Grammarist).
Connotation and Examples
According to the Collins Dictionary,
“A cavalier attitude often carries a negative connotation, suggesting indifference to consequences or the feelings of others. Synonyms include offhand, indifferent, thoughtless, or unconcerned.“
Some examples:
- “The editor takes a cavalier attitude to factchecking” (Collins).
- “She has a cavalier attitude about spending money” (Merriam-Webster).
- “Their cavalier attitude towards safety regulations caused concern” (Cambridge).
“In essence, describing someone as having a cavalier attitude highlights a lack of seriousness or respect for the importance of a situation, often paired with a sense of casual confidence or disregard.”
How can this make another person feel? The possible impact of being treated by someone who is cavalier includes the following:
“Being treated by someone who is cavalier can have a significant impact on an individual’s emotional and psychological well-being. Such treatment can lead to feelings of disregard, disappointment, and stress. The cavalier attitude may suggest a lack of concern for the other person’s feelings or the seriousness of the situation, which can create a sense of being ignored or dismissed. This can result in negative emotional responses such as distress, sadness, and anger, and may lead to behaviors that harm health, such as substance use or avoidance of certain situations. Discrimination, which is often associated with cavalier attitudes, can also have a cascading effect on stress-related emotional, physical, and behavioral changes, potentially leading to a decline in healthy activities and an increase in harmful behaviors.”
How can we respond when someone treats us with a cavalier attitude?
I think the first step is to recognize this attitude and mentally say, “You are treating me as if my thoughts and feelings don’t matter. You are contemptuous of me. You think you are smarter, wiser, more deserving than I am.” Appreciate that these behaviors may have been modeled for this person by significant figures in their life. Maybe they have been constantly praised, which led to a superior attitude. Maybe they are covering up their own insecurities. Maybe they are unaware of the impact of their attitude and behaviors.
Appreciate your own temperament and insecurities. Do you struggle with low self-esteem? Do you often feel less-than others – less deserving, less intelligent? Appreciate how these can increase your vulnerability to being treated by others in cavalier ways.
Are you cavalier towards yourself? Is your inner dialogue one of contempt? Do you treat yourself as unworthy or incompetent? Just as others do not deserve to be treated with disdain, neither do you. Tell those voices in your head to knock it off!
Back to what you can do – talk to a friend you trust. You don’t have to reveal who you are talking about, just say you would like to process some feelings with them. If you must interact with this person – maybe it’s your boss or someone in a position of authority – seek professional help to work through your feelings and empower you to deflect cavalier messages.
One more thing: if you read this and wonder if you are someone who often projects a cavalier attitude, consider the possible impact on others, especially highly sensitive folks, and put some effort into changing that attitude to one that is more accepting and appreciative of who others are.
Invitation for Reflection
- Have you explored the concept of someone being cavalier before?
- What do you notice about your responses to this information? What are your thoughts, feelings, sensations, memories and/or beliefs?
- Does someone in your life treat you in cavalier ways? How does this impact your relationship with them? How does it impact your self-esteem?
- Do you think you sometimes are cavalier towards others? What are the underlying attitudes about them? Do you want to change these attitudes and behaviors?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute