In this blog, I am inviting you to think about the degrees to which the relationships you are in are mature and how maturity impacts the quality of those relationships.
Let’s begin by considering what a relationally mature relationship looks like. According to Google, “A mature relationship is characterized by a deep, emotionally intimate connection that is stable and secure, where both people accept, trust, and respect each other despite their individual flaws.” In any emotionally mature relationship, each person can express their needs and concerns without fearing shaming messages from the other person. There is a balance of fair giving and receiving and as a result each person can fully benefit from that relationship.
Consider relationships you have and the degrees to which they are mature. I know that I am blessed with many wonderful relationships that allow me to be myself, feel safe, connected and able to have meaningful and supportive dialogues. I would consider these to be emotionally mature relationships. In turn, I hope those people experience me as relationally mature. And then there are those relationships that I have discovered lack some of the characteristics of a mature relationship. Sometimes I am not aware of this immaturity until others point it out, which then allows me to recognize that I am often feeling upset and hurt by what this person says or does. Typically, these relationships start out like healthier ones in which the person seems to be kind and caring, interested in being supportive and wanting these things in return, and then they say or do things that are hurtful, such as becoming critical about me or telling me they really aren’t interested in hearing about what is going on in my life.
Realizing that someone is relationally immature can feel like a kind of betrayal. I know I asked myself if I was doing something wrong, if somehow it was my fault I was being treated like this. Fortunately, I have other friends with whom I processed some of these hurt feelings and they shared that this person was not capable of maintaining a healthy and mature relationship. When I became aware of this, it was a light bulb moment for me. I realized I may not need to completely abandon the relationship, but I needed to protect myself and lower my expectations for the quality of the relationship and find ways to be self-protective.
I think each of us needs to manage the relationships we have in ways that are healthy and caring. We also need to appreciate that we have the power to set firm boundaries and, if a relationship is unhealthy for us because the other person is relationally immature, we can disengage, walk away, or only hang out with them occasionally just to be social.
As I said earlier, I am extremely blessed by having so many wonderful relationships with people who are relationally mature, kind, caring and trustworthy. I try to be the same with them. I also am grateful for each one of them, especially when I also choose to navigate a relationship with someone who is relationally immature.
If you want a little practice identifying relationally immature relationships, watch some sitcoms like Friends, MASH, Seinfeld, The Neighbors, Curb Your Enthusiasm or soap operas or many popular comedic movies. These often feature interpersonal dynamics with people who would qualify as relationally immature. I suspect that we find them amusing or interesting because they offer examples of relationships we sometimes struggle to enjoy. After all, if everyone was relationally mature, they wouldn’t be as interesting.
Invitation for Reflection
- What in this blog resonated with you and your relationships?
- What thoughts, feelings and memories did it evoke for you, especially if you have experienced one or more relationships with someone who is relationally immature?
- If you have such a relationship and are not going to end it, how do you navigate it without hurting them or yourself in the process?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute