How many of us remember the line from the 1985 movie Back to the Future when George McFly tells Lorraine, “I am your destiny”? (Yes, he first messed it up by saying, “I am your density” but he did finally say it correctly.)
Have you ever wondered what your destiny is? And where it came from?
What does the word destiny mean anyway?
Destiny, sometimes also called fate (from Latin fatum ‘decree, prediction, destiny, fate’), is “a predetermined course of events. It may be conceived as a predetermined future, whether in general or of an individual.” The Webster Merrian Dictionary defines destiny as: “a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency.”
These definitions make it sound like we do not get to choose our destiny and are powerless to change it. I think it is important to challenge these beliefs.
First let’s consider where some of the beliefs that we feel destined to follow originate. One is from the messages that we received from birth on, primarily from our parents and caregivers. I found the image that Muriel James shared in her powerful 1981 book Breaking Free: Self-Reparenting for a New Life of parents as “witches and warlocks,” describing the power parents have to “cast spells” on their children, to be very clarifying. She shares that, “A spell is a compelling incantation, word, or formula that seems to have magical qualities.” (In April 2024 I wrote a blog about how parents cast spells, so some of this may sound familiar to those of you who follow my blog.) She said that everybody, in one way or another, is spellbound with or without their awareness. “The spells may be positive, negative, or benign. The most tragic spells cast by parents or substitute parents are spells that interfere with autonomy and freedom.” She describes positive spells as “ones that affirm a person in ways that contribute to the search for freedom.”
A parent could tell a child a toxic injunction like, “You are just like your rotten father. You’ll never amount to anything!” or a positive one like, “You always show a lot of courage,” or “You are great at solving problems.” These messages permeate a child’s inner core of beliefs and can greatly influence what becomes that child’s destiny.
What can any of us do to prevent toxic spells from becoming our destiny? First, we need to take some time to appreciate the power of these messages. Then we need to go into our memory files to recall things said to us, directly or indirectly, that told us who we are, how lovable and capable we are, what responsibilities we had to assume to our families and others. Our adult self can consider the degrees to which these messages were healthy or unhealthy. Which ones encouraged us to find our gifts and potential? Which ones trapped us and prevented us from feeling safe in our own skins?
Consider the following messages and decide which of them have been embedded in your inner, core belief system. Notice any thoughts, feelings, sensations, beliefs, or memories you experience as you read them:
- “I have been blessed with many gifts, and I am entitled to feel loved.”
- “No matter what I can count on my family to support me.”
- “I am responsible for making my family members succeed even though I really don’t have the power to do that. That means whenever things go badly for a family member, it is my fault.”
- “Somehow I always manage to mess things up.”
- “I can choose what I want to do that uses my gifts and refuse to do anything I don’t want to do that I know is not good for me.”
Certainly, this is a very small set of examples of possible spells parents and caregivers can cast on children.
I encourage you to listen to how you think about yourself, about others, what is important to you, what you are capable of doing and what you want your future to look like. In other words, what is your destiny?
In my next blog, I will continue inviting you to consider this concept of destiny and where some of its roots are.
Invitation for Reflection
1. Have you ever paused to consider whether you have some kind of predetermined destiny that influences how you are living life?
2. How would you describe what seems to be your destiny?
3. To what extent is that destiny fair and healthy or unfair and unhealthy?
4. What can you do to address those beliefs that are unhealthy or destructive to you?
5. What do you need to accomplish that?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute