I have noticed that we live in a world where many of us, myself included, make assumptions that can then lead us to jump to conclusions. Based on these conclusions we may act in ways that turn out to be hurtful to others and can lead to rifts. Somehow we believe our assumptions are factual and therefore we are justified in our subsequent decisions.
According to a 2025 article from the website Psychology Today,
“Assumptions are a fundamental part of how our brains process information. They allow us to make quick decisions and navigate the world efficiently. However, in relationships, these cognitive shortcuts often lead to misinterpretations, emotional distance, and unresolved conflict. Our brains seek patterns and fill in gaps, but when it comes to human connection, this efficiency can work against us. Instead of asking questions, we assume we already know the answers, limiting our ability to truly see and understand our partner. Over time, these unchecked assumptions erode trust and prevent relationships from evolving in healthy ways.
The antidote to assumption is curiosity. When we replace certainty with inquiry, we create space for real understanding. Taking the time to see our partner clearly, free from projections and expectations, leads to deeper connection and greater emotional resilience. Below are the most common assumptions that quietly damage relationships—and how curiosity can transform them.
The 7 Assumptions That Are Hurting Your Relationship
1. “I know why they did that.”
One of the most damaging assumptions is attributing motives to our partner’s actions. We assume we understand why they reacted a certain way—perhaps we believe they were dismissive, thoughtless, or intentionally hurtful. In reality, behavior is often driven by individual stressors, emotional history, or personal coping mechanisms that have little to do with us.
Curiosity fix: Instead of assuming, ask: “Can you help me understand what you were feeling when that happened?”
2. “They should know what I need.”
We expect our partner to anticipate our emotions and frustrations. When they don’t, we may take it as a lack of love, assuming their failure to meet our needs is intentional rather than a simple difference in awareness or communication styles.
Curiosity fix: Speak up. Ask: “How can we better communicate our needs to each other?”
3. “If they loved me, they wouldn’t act this way.”
This assumption equates love with perfect behavior, disregarding that people express care differently and often react from their own stress or pain rather than a lack of love. When we assume that mistakes reflect a failure of love, we create unnecessary conflict.
Curiosity fix: Instead of reacting, ask: “Is something else contributing to this?”
4. “We always fight about the same thing, so there’s no point in talking.”
Repetitive conflict can feel like a cycle with no resolution, leading couples to assume that discussing the issue is futile. In reality, recurring fights signal deeper, unaddressed needs rather than evidence that communication is hopeless.
Curiosity fix: Dig deeper. Ask: “What do you think is really at the heart of this for us?”
5. “We just don’t have that spark anymore.”
Passion and connection don’t disappear—they fade when curiosity and engagement wane. When we assume the spark is lost, we stop making the effort to discover new aspects of our partner, reinforcing disconnection.
Curiosity fix: Reignite discovery. Ask: “What’s a way we can bring more playfulness into our time together?”
6. “I already know everything about them.”
We assume that because we’ve shared years together, we know our partner fully. This belief ignores the reality that people change over time. When we stop being curious, we stop noticing those changes, and our relationship becomes stagnant.
Curiosity fix: Approach your partner with fresh curiosity. Ask: “What’s something new you’ve learned about yourself recently?”
7. “If we’re struggling, it must mean we’re not meant to be.”
Struggles are a natural part of any long-term relationship, yet many assume difficulty signals incompatibility rather than an opportunity for growth. The most resilient couples recognize that working through challenges together strengthens their connection rather than weakening it.
Curiosity fix: Shift the narrative. Ask: “What can we learn from this challenge?”
Curiosity: The Relationship Superpower
Curiosity is not simply about asking questions; it is an intentional practice of staying engaged, open, and receptive to our partner’s evolving thoughts, feelings, and experiences. These assumptions of what is best for the relationship often override explicit agreements based on a healthy process. Curiosity fosters emotional safety, adaptability, and long-term relational satisfaction by keeping communication dynamic rather than rigid.
In a broader scope, curiosity acts as a corrective force against stagnation, resentment, and disengagement. It shifts the focus from proving a point to exploring new perspectives, promoting resilience, mutual support, and relational depth.
By replacing assumptions with curiosity, individuals can reduce defensiveness and conflict, build emotional safety and trust, reignite intimacy and passion, and foster an ever-evolving, dynamic relationship.
Every day, individuals in relationships face a choice: assume or ask.
When we assume, we close the door to deeper understanding. When we ask, we open one. Developing a mindset of curiosity is not only beneficial for maintaining a strong relationship but is also crucial for personal growth and emotional intelligence.
By embracing curiosity, relationships remain adaptable, engaged, and deeply connected.
Years ago, a friend told me that when we assume, it can make “an ass out of U and Me”.
In a world where there are so many divisions between people and groups, wouldn’t it be wonderful if people could pause and appreciate that their assumptions may be wrong and may interfere with healthy decisions? And how much better the world would be if we shifted from making assumptions to being more curious?
Invitation for Reflection
- What is a recent assumption you made? How did it impact your relationship?
- What in the Psychology Today article resonated with you? Why?
- Which in the list of seven assumptions that are hurting your relationship resonate with you?
- How do you think your life and your relationships might change if you reduced your assumptions and replaced them with curiosity?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute