The holidays are wrapping up for many of us. Holidays typically are times when family and friends gather. And then there are people who find the holidays to be a lonely time because they are somehow disconnected from their families and friends, might live far away or there might be some relational issues that make it hard to gather. And then there are some people who do not have friends they can connect with.
This made me think of the old Girl Scout adage, “Make new friends and keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.” It sounds good, but I think knowing how to make new friends and keep old friends requires intentionality.
Let’s start by defining a friend. Oxford dictionary offers the following definition of a friend: “a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.” But not all friendships are equal.
I think about the image of the Membership Circles I have previously shared (Who’s in your Membership Circle during Covid?) that is helpful to apply to this information. Think about who is in your Inner Circle and who is in your Close Relationships Circle. Who are your more casual friends, who are temporary ones, and who are distant? Chances are, you connected over the holidays with friends with whom you are very close (unless family traditions required you to interact with folks you really don’t like that much).
According to an article from the Mayo Clinic, “Good friends are good for your health. Friends can help you celebrate good times and support you during bad times. Friends help keep you from feeling alone. Friends also can:
- Raise your sense of connection, belonging and purpose.
- Boost your happiness and lower your stress.
- Improve your self-confidence and feelings of self-worth.
- Help you cope through hard times, such as divorce, serious illness, job loss or the death of a loved one.
- Urge you to change or avoid habits that aren’t healthy. These might include drinking too much or not exercising.
Friends also play a big role in your overall health. Adults with strong social connections have a lower risk of many health problems. That includes depression, high blood pressure and an unhealthy weight. In fact, studies have found that older adults who have close friends and healthy social supports are likely to live longer than do their peers who have fewer friends.”
The following information comes from the website “Adventures from Scratch by Let’s Roam” that provides a long list of suggestions for maintaining friendships.
The author acknowledges the following principles of friendships: “adult life is busy, and adult friendships take major work to maintain. If you are blessed to have a couple of good friends in your life, you have probably noticed that as you age, get deep into your careers, and build families, your friendships move to the back burner… losing contact with friends isn’t something we should just accept.” This is why we all can benefit from being strategic in our nurture of close friendships during the busy years.
The following are some of the recommendations provided in the article (as you read this list, consider the degrees to which each describes you and your friendships):
- Find ways to spend time together, which sometimes needs to be creative. Grab a few minutes to chat on the phone or text each other. Get a commitment to go to a movie or concert together. Plan a shopping trip together or an afternoon or weekend day to go to a local fun place: the shore, mountains, a park. Make sure you both put these dates on your calendar.
- Keep expectations realistic: appreciate that friendships cannot meet all of your emotional needs and keep in mind that your friends are probably having their own struggles to succeed in life.
- Don’t ask friends to give more than you are willing to give. Friendships need fairness and balance.
- Be the kind of friend you want to have. Take the time to assess what makes a friend someone you want to hang out with and be sure you are doing the same things with and for them.
- Use technology: Facebook, Snap Chat, Instagram, TikTok. While these are not as warm and friendly or even as authentic as more direct interactions, they can contribute to nurturing your connections.
- Do small things to let your friend know you are thinking about them: send a birthday card, offer to grab stuff from the store if they are too busy to go shopping, offer to babysit so they can have a break from their childcare responsibilities.
- Make sure your friend experiences you as a safe person, someone who is kind, loving, able to keep their private information private. Avoid judging or attempting to inflict your values or beliefs on them (I know I have had to let some of my friends know we could not discuss politics because we knew it could lead to hurt feelings).
- Be reliable. If you say you are going to call or stop by or do something together, make sure you follow through. If something comes up – for example, you get a cold and need to cancel a commitment with them – be sure to share that so they know you wanted to connect but circumstances got in the way.
- Be encouraging. Share how much you believe in your friend’s hopes and dreams. Affirm their gifts, talents and abilities.
- Work to have meaningful, as opposed to superficial, conversations. Invite discussions on subjects that are important to one or both of you.
- Be a good listener. Make sure you pay attention to their thoughts, feelings and needs and give voice to that. Don’t interrupt them to share your thoughts, feelings and needs.
- Be aware of your body language. Make good eye contact. Show your interest through facial expressions that match your feelings. Resist the temptation to look at your phone.
You might want to add some of your own ideas to this list or modify some of what this author shared. The main idea is to be intentional about nurturing friendships in order to preserve and protect them and experience the many benefits of friendship.
In my next blog, I will share some information about how important it is to maintain healthy boundaries in your friendships and some suggestions for doing that.
Invitation for Reflection
- Did one or more specific friendship come to mind as you read this blog? If so, can you now appreciate some of the more positive impacts of each friendship on your life? What are some specific ways you have experienced these impacts?
- What among the list of suggestions for promoting friendships resonate with you? How can you incorporate them into your friendships? What do you predict the outcome might be?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute