In my last blog, I invited my readers to consider what friendship is all about: its qualities and ways to begin and maintain friendships. I also shared the research that states that friendships are good for both our mental and physical health and therefore worth cultivating.
Sometimes, however, friendships are not always completely healthy. People in friendships don’t have a rulebook to follow and sometimes one person can take advantage of the other person, can be hurtful or untrustworthy. These are the times when it is important for all of us to appreciate the power we have to set boundaries in order to preserve our own emotional health and the health of our relationships.
I invite you to consider friendships you have in which there have been some struggles, and possibly one or even both people in that friendship have crossed some kind of boundary, potentially doing harm to the other person and/or to the relationship.
An article entitled How to Set Boundaries With Friends—and Why It’s Necessary by Barbara Field from the website Very Well Mind offers some helpful suggestions.
The author begins with the definition of boundaries: “Guidelines for acceptable behaviors, expectations and personal limits. Boundaries make it clear to the friends in your life what you want and will accept. While certain behaviors are never acceptable like bullying and gaslighting, you can stop well-intentioned overstepping by sharing about your boundaries.”
Here is the rationale for adopting this information: “Setting healthy boundaries in friendships can help you protect your identity and personal space. It can also prevent others from taking advantage of you or limiting what you want to do. Setting boundaries can enhance your mental and emotional well-being and actually strengthen your friendships.”
She notes that this isn’t always easy to do. “While it’s tempting to look away, you need to speak up. Allowing others to overrun your boundaries has unhealthy consequences for you. Being unwilling to share your feelings or say no also prevents the other person from knowing what you feel and expect.”
Consider how comfortable you feel when you need to address a boundary issue you have with a friend. I don’t think anybody looks forward to having to tell a friend they need to stop doing something because it is crossing one of your boundaries. The problem with not doing this is that the other person, who most likely is unaware of the pain or discomfort they are causing, will continue behaving in the same ways. Somewhere deep inside they may actually enjoy the power they have over you. If you are temperamentally a shy person or someone with a lot of insecurities, the challenge to set boundaries is very real for you. It actually requires reaching inside yourself to find your courage and then planning ahead of time what you want to say and how you want to say it. You might even consult with another friend who may help you process what’s going on and give you some feedback and maybe insights that will help you stand up for yourself.
Back to our article, the author reminds us that setting boundaries is valuable because doing so can contribute to increased open communication and understanding between you and your friend. She points out research that setting boundaries actually lowers stress levels between two people. A study entitled, What are friends for? The impact of friendship on communicative efficiency and cortisol response during collaborative problem solving among younger and older women, states, “Researchers analyzed communication during collaborative problem solving amongst younger and older women. Results showed reduced levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, in the communications between friends.”
Some suggestions for having an interaction where you set boundaries:
- First, decide specifically what your issues are. Is this person highly critical of you? Do they expect you to adopt their values? Does this person embarrass you by publicly pointing out some kind of defect or flaw in what you said, did, or even who you are?
- Make sure that this really is an issue versus something that is annoying but minor. Sometimes you can accept a friend’s idiosyncrasies.
- Decide ahead of time what you want to say rather than trying to do it spontaneously.
- You can begin by affirming how important your friendship is with this person: “I want you to know that you are extremely important to me. I love our friendship and how we care for each other. That’s why I want to have this conversation.”
- Use I-messages in which you follow the formula of 1) being descriptive (“When you…”) followed by 2) a description of the impact that has on you, how it makes you feel (“I felt disrespected” or “I felt hurt” or whatever other feeling you experienced). You can then 3) add more information that starts with “because” (“because it makes me feel worried that you might do it again,” or “because it taps into some of my early childhood shame issues”). 4) You can acknowledge the fact the other person was not being intentionally mean or disrespectful towards you but rather was probably unaware of their impact (“I know you probably were unaware of how I was impacted”). 5) You can then add something about what you need (“I need to feel safe when I am with you,” or “I want to be able to trust you to not embarrass/hurt me even if it is unintentional”). It is important to invite the other person to respond by sharing their thoughts, feelings and the impact that what you have said has had on them. You need to respond by actively listening to what they are saying (“I hear you saying that…” or “You are feeling blindsided by what I shared because you did not intend to embarrass or hurt me”). You can invite them to continue the conversation later after they have had had a chance to process what you shared.
- Take responsibility for meeting your needs. Make sure you are not too dependent on your friend for doing that.
- If your friend does not respond positively to your requests, you may need to downgrade a close relationship to a more superficial one. Maybe your friendship becomes based on doing playful things and no longer sharing intimate thoughts and feelings. And of course, sometimes we need to end friendships. All of these can be a source of grief.
Setting and enforcing boundaries can be very challenging for many of us, especially if we tend to be more insecure than confident. It takes courage. Please keep in mind that it is an important skill to acquire to ensure that our friendships, especially our close ones, are healthy for both people.
Invitation for Reflection
- Notice your overall reaction to this blog. Did you feel anxious, uncomfortable or inspired? Did it evoke any memories?
- What challenges might you need to overcome to be able to set boundaries?
- Are there other ways you might share concerns with a friend that are more comfortable to you? Example: send them a letter in which you share your thoughts and feelings (basically using the skill of I-messages).
- Does this information prepare you in case a friend approaches you to share how they need to set a boundary with you?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute