Here is a “duh” statement: relationships are everywhere. We all have relationships with others, and we have a relationship with ourselves. In the past I have shared with you the Membership Circles we all have, from relationships that are extremely close to those that are very superficial. There are other blogs that describe aspects of family dynamics as well. There is also an image we use in LGI to explain each of us – that of an iceberg in which the tip represents our outward behaviors, and two dimensions under the water, emotional health and relational health. We talk about how what is in the water impacts what is beneath the surface of our icebergs and the air above our icebergs impacts our outward behaviors. We discuss how emotional and relational wounds are like chips in a person’s iceberg.
Why is it important for us to appreciate the nature of relationships? Consider the quote “No man is an island”, a famous phrase by John Donne emphasizing human interconnectedness and the shared impact of each individual on society. John Donne was a 17th-century English poet, cleric, and lawyer, and “No man is an island” is from his work Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, specifically Meditation XVII, published in 1624.
Diane Langberg, PHD, is the author of a book entitled Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church. In it, she states the following: “The word relationship derives from the Latin referre, meaning ‘brought back.’ It contains the idea of motion, of carrying and of bearing forth and bringing back. In other words, a relationship is like a two-way street. The word can also mean ‘to narrate.’ A relationship is a story. When we relate to others, we are cowriting a story, weaving our lives together to tell a story.”
She goes on to answer the question, what happens when our story includes the abuse of power? “The word abuse comes from the Latin abuti. It means ‘to misuse or use wrongly.’ It encompasses the ideas of exploiting, causing injury, assaulting, and perpetuating violence and offensive language. When a relationship is abusive in any form, the story being written is twisted and damaging” (61, 62).
Why is an examination of relationships important for all of us? Consider all the relationships you have. To what extent are they healthy? What are your criteria for determining this?
We are who we are as a result of the relationships we experience. These relationships help form core beliefs about ourselves, others, and our place in the world.
Consider your relationship with yourself. Researchers say that we average 6000 thoughts a day while only speak an average of 1600 to 16,000 words. Some researchers report that “a significant portion of these thoughts are negative, with estimates ranging from 80% to 95% being negative thoughts.”
A recommendation: learn to listen to the stories you are telling yourself, the messages your mind transmits to you, especially those that are negative or condemning. You don’t deserve to experience these and worse yet, to believe them. You deserve messages that nurture and empower you, that affirm your gifts and talents.
Help those with whom you are in relationships. Use your abilities to construct stories that can nurture and empower them and affirm their gifts and talents.
By understanding and embracing the real meaning of relationships, their power and our power over negative, destructive messages, we can experience the many joys of life, many of which are the result of our relationships. So many dynamics! So many connections to nurture, embrace and celebrate!
Invitation for Reflection
- What information is new to you? In what ways does it impact you and your understanding of relationships?
- Which information empowers you? In what ways?
- How can you apply this information to those in your life? What do you want to share with them? How might it impact them? How might it impact your relationship?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute