Recently I watched the 1944 classic film Gaslight, described by Wikipedia as “the quintessential film that gave the term ‘gaslighting’ its name. Starring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer, it follows Paula, a young woman whose husband manipulates her into doubting her sanity to conceal his criminal activities. The film is a psychological thriller that explores the devastating effects of manipulation and control.”
According to the website Medical News Today, “Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which someone causes another person to doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity.”
They go on to describe how gaslighting works:
“Gaslighting typically occurs gradually and involves repeated patterns of manipulation, such as:
- Countering: Questioning or denying the victim’s memory, e.g. ‘Are you sure that happened?’
- Withholding: Pretending not to understanding or refusing to listen, making the victim doubt themselves. ‘What you are saying just doesn’t make sense. I’m done talking about it.’
- Trivializing: Belittling the victim’s feelings, calling them ‘too sensitive’ or overreacting. ‘You have a habit of making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s not that big a deal!’
- Denial: Refusing to take responsibility for actions, insisting event didn’t occur as remembered. ‘I didn’t have anything to do with this. That’s not what happened.’
These tactics erode the victim’s self-trust, confidence, and perception of reality, often leaving them anxious, confused, and dependent on the gaslighter’s version of events.”
Where can gaslighting occur?
“Gaslighting can occur in romantic, relationships, families, workplaces, friendships, and even political or social contexts. It is not always intentional; some people may gaslight unconsciously due to learned behaviors, but the impact remains harmful. Over time, victims may feel constantly apologetic, second-guessing their decisions, and struggling to trust themselves or others.”
According to Medical News Today:
“Gaslighting is a behavior that people learn by watching others. A person who uses this tactic may have learned it is an effective way of obtaining what they want or controlling people. They may feel entitled to have things their way or that the wants and needs of others do not matter.
Sometimes, people with personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) exhibit abusive behavior. A 2023 article Trusted Source states that people with NPD have:
- a consistent need for admiration and attention
- a belief that they are better than everyone else or special in some way
- a lack of empathy
This combination of symptoms can lead to unhealthy relationships. However, gaslighting is not always due to a mental health condition. Anyone can engage in this behavior.”
Another thought: how many of us have or had parents or caregivers who gaslighted us? When you were a child, did any of the adults in your life have a tendency to deny your thoughts and feelings, made you doubt yourself, told you you were overly sensitive, told you things didn’t happen as you said they did and/or refused to take any responsibility for what they said that made you disparage or doubt yourself? Consider how these forms of gaslighting may have impacted your core beliefs about yourself, your self-confidence and/or your self-esteem.
In addition, I think sometimes we gaslight ourselves. Consider how we have an ongoing internal dialogue that can include transmitting messages of self-doubt (What makes you think you can do this?), make you doubt yourself (Are you crazy? That will never work!), trivialize yourself and think you are just too sensitive (Remember you overreact to others and even to your own thoughts and feelings!), deny what you thought happened (I must be wrong, that couldn’t be what happened.), refuse to take responsibility for an outcome (There is no way I’m responsible for what happened!). Thoughts like these can have a powerful effect on your self-image, self-confidence and self-esteem.
This blog was a tough one for me to write because I now see gaslighting happening in some of my relationships, including my relationship with myself. I’m wondering if extensive gaslighting can traumatize a person. It certainly can be emotionally wounding.
I hope you found it enlightening and empowering to learn about gaslighting. I encourage you to take some time absorbing the information, maybe do some journaling and also share your thoughts, feelings and experiences with a close friend with whom you feel safe to process all this. You also might invite them to share any of their own experiences with gaslighting.
Invitation for Reflection
- How familiar are you with the concept of gaslighting?
- As you read and reflected on this information, what memories popped up for you? How did they make you feel?
- If you experienced any of the forms of gaslighting I described, what can you do to address their impact?
- How might you help others in your life who have been or who are currently being gaslighted by someone?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute