A long time ago I heard someone say that it is important not to “should” all over yourself. (Of course “should” is a euphemism for a term most of us try not to use regularly that starts with the letter letters “sh and ends with a “t.” And no it is not the word “shot.”😊)
Consider how many times in the last twenty-four hours you have said to yourself, or even out loud, that you “should” do something or the opposite of that, “should not” do something.
Some synonyms for the term “should” include “must,” “will,” “have to,” “need to,” “going to,” “am obliged to” and “am required to.”
I am not saying that there are not things that we should or should not do. We should drive within the speed limit, we should regularly brush and floss our teeth, we should not drink and drive, we should not blame and shame our children. There are many things that we should or should not do for our own well-being and the well-being of others.
On the other hand, sometimes we are telling ourselves that we should or should not do things that cause us to feel inadequate, blamed or shamed because of the pressure of feeling obligated to do something that perhaps is beyond our abilities. Many times, the phrase implies that we think we should have known better which in turn implies that we do not have good judgment. And there are times when we do not have the best judgment and yet we are human and therefore prone to sometimes make mistakes.
Overusing the shoulds and should nots in our thoughts and statements can be a set up for lowering our self-esteem. (I picture myself wagging a finger in my face when I do too many shoulds or should nots.)
Sometimes people “should” when talking with other people, trying to suggest or direct them or solve their problems. Sometimes they feel entitled to direct others they look down on, sometimes they crave power. No matter what, having to deal with others who are “shoulding” on you can be intimidating or overwhelming. If you are an insecure person, you are especially vulnerable to the pressure of another person’s directions.
So how can you respond when feeling the pressure of another person’s “you should” message? Here are a few suggestions (notice I didn’t say “This is what you should do”😊):
- “I sounds like you feel strongly about what I should do, however I am choosing to…”
- “I have already decided to… but thanks for the suggestion.”
- “I already gave that a try and it didn’t work out for me.”
- “Thanks for taking time to consider what I might try. I’ll give it some thought.”
- “My circumstances (or situation) just won’t allow me to do that.”
- “When you tell me I should do something, I feel pressured and somehow obligated to do what you think I should do. That may not be your intention, but that’s how it made me feel.”
I hope becoming more aware of how people sometimes “should” all over others provides some insights that will help you recognize when that is happening to you and ways you can respond. You might also check yourself to make sure you don’t “should” all over others. Remember you can replace “You should” with “You could…,” “You might…,” “An option you might consider is…” or “When I was in that situation, I found it helpful to…” Another option is to reflect back to the person what they are needing, hoping for, wishing, or trying to accomplish. For me, this is my preferred response as long as I am not concerned that what they are planning to do is potentially dangerous or something I feel sure they will regret – in that case I have the option of saying that. “I hear you’re thinking you are going to… and I wonder if you have considered that that might….” Overall, I think we want to be caring and supportive of those who are important to us. Taking the time to be “should-sensitive” can allow that to happen.
Invitation for Reflection
- Has this blog increased your awareness of how people can “should” on others or themselves?
- Are you planning to try any of the suggestions I offered? If so, what might the outcome be?
- Do you see yourself as sometimes a “shoulder?” Does reading this blog give you any insights on this?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute