In my last blog, I invited you to discover what a core belief system is, why it is important and how it develops. In this blog I am going to share more of the principles and processes about how our core belief systems develop. I am hoping you will find this information to be clarifying and empowering.
Outgoing Message
Pathways to our core belief systems go both ways; just as pathways bring messages into the core belief system, a person’s core belief system has pathways that carry messages out to the rest of the world. The pathways that go out of the central core belief system are all the messages and attitudes that children and adults send out to the world. They, too, can come flying out when the pathways are smooth, straight and familiar.
It is difficult to stop unfair or untrue outgoing messages if these super-highways allow quick and easy passage. This is why someone can blurt out what to them is an absolute “truth”. (For example, a parent screams at a crying child, “Stop that crying or I’ll give you a reason to cry! Big boys don’t cry!” The parent’s core belief is that boys should not cry, which most experts would say is inaccurate and unhealthy. There also may be core beliefs that it is right and good to threaten children to control them, and other beliefs that most experts would suggest are unhealthy.) Roadblocks with new, updated, more accurate and healthy messages need to be put up to try to stop such messages from flowing in and out, to slow down the traffic and give the person time to see what is really happening.
Much of the Core Belief System Develops Gradually Over Time
It takes a long time for messages to make a primitive path and an even longer time with the same basic message repeated over and over to create a more permanent pathway.
It takes years of receiving messages to build a network of pathways that lead to, create and reinforce each child’s core belief system. Parents and caregivers need to understand that one of their main jobs is to consistently repeat healthy messages to their children over time to nurture emotionally sound core belief systems by building a network of healthy pathways. This can feel overwhelming, but keep in mind that parents and caregivers can send negative, even toxic, destructive messages from time to time and these do not create permanent pathways for unhealthy messages in their child’s core belief system. If parents and caregivers take a few wrong turns along the way, they need to know that the damage is most likely only temporary. To help ensure this, parents and caregivers can acknowledge that they sent an unfair, untrue message, can apologize, and can then transmit a healthy replacement message. “It is fine for boys to cry! It is a way to share that you are sad about something.”
Pathways Into One’s Core Belief System
At the center of the core belief system is where pathways join. It is here that your core sense of self-esteem, worth and competence lies, created from the sorting and processing of all the millions of messages that have come into your inner “core” self.
Here are some suggestions for ways to affirm someone with health inspirational messages. Affirming messages help to build up someone’s self-esteem and create healthy core beliefs.
- “Your body is a temple; treat it with respect.”
- “Every small step counts towards your big goals.”
- “Believe in yourself and all that you are.”
- “Health isn’t just about what you eat, but what you think.”
- “Push past the limits, and discover your true strength.”
- “Each day is a new opportunity to improve yourself.”
- “Nourish your body, mind, and soul.”
- “Stay positive, work hard, and make it happen.”
- “You are capable of more than you know.”
- “Embrace the journey, not just the destination.”
There is a list with more examples after the Invitation for Reflection section.
As I said at the beginning of these two blogs, I hope you find this information to be clarifying and empowering – and I would add thought-provoking and relatable. I am eternally grateful to authors like Jean Illsley Clarke, author of Self-Esteem: A Family Affair, Dorothy Corkille Briggs, author of Your Child’s Self-Esteem and Muriel James, author of Breaking Free. We are so blessed to have authors like this who share their brilliance with us and impact our lives and the lives of those we care about.
Invitation for Reflection
- How has this additional information about core beliefs impacted you? Do you feel clearer about how powerful this information is?
- With whom might you share this information? How might it impact them?
SENTENCE STARTERS FOR AFFIRMING
Note: in completing each sentence, the words should be affirming, should serve to build up the person on the receiving end, help them to appreciate something about themself. Warm, caring and compassionate voice tone, facial expressions and body language are also important.
For an Accomplishment:
- “I think you did…well because…(specific description).”
- “You said you were going to…and you did!”
- “You can be so proud of how well you…”
For a Potential/Power:
- “I can tell by how you … that you have the potential to…”
- “You have the power to…”
- “I am totally confident that being able to … is in you and will come out one day.”
For a Quality or Trait:
- “You have a remarkable ability to….”
- “I so appreciate that you are someone who….”
- “When you…(behavior or activity), it demonstrated that you are someone who…”
For a Struggle/Efforts:
- “It hasn’t been easy to … because….”
- “You have put a lot of effort into ….”
- “You’ve worked tirelessly to … and it just doesn’t seem to happen the way you expect it should.”
For an Intention:
- “You were trying to … and didn’t expect… to happen.”
- “What you wanted to happen was….”
- “You were trying so hard to … because you knew….”
For Growth and Change:
- “Over the last few days (weeks, months, years) I have seen a big change in you. Before you were… and now you are…”
- “You seem to be so much better at….”
- “You are growing in some really neat ways. One is that you now….”
For the Positive Impact:
- “Things are much ….(calmer, more organized, more peaceful, more energetic, etc.) because you…..”
- “It is making my life so much….(better, happier, easier, etc.) because you….”
- “Thank you for … It is making a difference because…”
For a Reality
- “You haven’t lost you mind. I agree with you that….”
- “Maybe others don’t get it, but I think you are right about….”
- “That makes a lot of sense.”
For a Value or Priority:
- “Doing…(a behavior or activity) was definitely a wise decision because…is so important.”
- “You clearly were showing …(name of person or group) that … was more important than….”
- “You put…(a behavior or activity) over… (a behavior or activity). That is one way to show how capable you are of making thoughtful decisions [blending an affirmation of a quality].”
For a Right and/or Responsibility:
- “It was your right to….”
- “You took responsibility for… when you….”
- “It was much more mature/fair/honorable/respectful/trustworthy for you to…than to…”
For a Connection/Being Valued as a Member:
- “We enjoy having you be a part of our … because you….”
- “I don’t think I/we would have been able to… without you.”
- “You are so important to me/us because….”
For a Process:
- “You haven’t lost your mind. Being able to … is going to take time and patience.”
- “You may not be able to see it right now, but you are in the middle of …. One day it will ….”
- “I know you may not like it, but it takes a while for…to happen. You are doing well hanging in there.” [blending an affirmation of a struggle]
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute