In my previous blog, I shared with you some thoughts about the impact of a relationship with a relationally immature person: how to define it and some of the ways it can impact a person. In this blog I’m going to share some information about specific ways to set boundaries if you are going to stay in a relationally immature relationship.
Let’s start with defining relational boundaries. According to the website Simply Psychology,“Boundaries are personal limits that individuals set for themselves to protect their own well-being, values, and sense of self within a relationship. They define what a person is comfortable with and what they will not tolerate. A boundary is like an invisible line that separates you from others on an emotional, intellectual, and physical level.
Your boundaries are essentially your values – the beliefs, attitudes, behaviors (etc.) that are important to you. As such, they dictate the nature of your relationships and how they develop and grow.”
If you are in a toxic relationship or one where the other person is relationally immature, and you need to or have decided to continue in this relationship, you can benefit from knowing how to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
According to the website Very Well Health,“Boundaries can be thought of as stop signs in your life. Where you put your stop signs and what you consider ‘crossing the line’ will vary based on your beliefs, values, cultural customs, and family traditions. Setting boundaries in relationships is not about keeping others out; it’s about providing an environment where there’s a balance between the needs and wants of all the people who are involved. Setting boundaries with partners, parents, friends, and co-workers all present their own unique challenges.”
They share that “basically there are two are two types of boundaries: healthy and unhealthy boundaries.
Healthy boundaries allow each person in a relationship or family to communicate their wants and needs, while also respecting the wants and needs of others.
In contrast, when there are unhealthy boundaries, safety in the relationship is compromised. This may lead to dysfunctional relationships, where people’s needs are not met.”
Here are their descriptions of healthy and unhealthy boundaries:
Healthy Boundaries
- Being able to say, ‘no’ and accept when someone else says ‘no’
- Clearly communicating both wants and needs
- Honoring and respecting your own needs and the needs of others
- Respecting others’ values, beliefs, and opinions, even if they are different from one’s own
- Feeling free to disclose and share information where appropriate
- Flexibility without compromising yourself in an unhealthy way
Unhealthy Boundaries
- Saying ‘yes’ to taking on a new project at work when you feel overloaded
- Giving someone the ‘silent treatment’ rather than communicating why you’re upset
- Easily compromising personal values, beliefs, and opinions to satisfy others
- Being coercive or manipulative to get others to do something they don’t want to do
- Oversharing personal information
How do you know when a boundary has been crossed?
The authors of the Very Well website state the following: “One of the quickest ways to determine if a boundary has been crossed is to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation. Pay attention to your instincts. Often, our bodies will respond before our minds when something about a situation feels ‘off’ or unsafe.
If you feel emotionally uneasy or even get physical sensations like nausea, these can be signs that something about a situation has made you very uncomfortable.”
Sometimes that relationally immature person will notice you are behaving differently (“Are you okay? You don’t seem like yourself”) to which you can give a palatable excuse like, “There’s stuff going on at work,” or “I just haven’t been feeling so good lately.”
Sometimes it can help to process your needs and struggles around setting boundaries with a trusted friend or family member. They may be able to help you gain the clarity and resolve you need to set and maintain boundaries.
Also, I think it is important to recognize how grief can be a part of the whole process of realizing we need to set boundaries. We can feel that we are losing friendships we now need to set boundaries with. It hurts to go through the whole process. We need to recognize and reconcile with ourselves that we cannot change the dynamics of a relationally immature relationship, and in the process we grieve.
There are so many aspects and factors to consider and process in learning about relationally immature relationships, with many painful feelings to process. I have my own relationships I needed to understand are with people who are relationally immature. I’m guessing most of you reading this blog are having your own a-ha moments. And it can hurt.
Invitation for Reflection
- When you think about boundaries you have set with friends, colleagues or family, to what extent are they healthy boundaries versus less healthy? What are the characteristics of your boundaries that lead you to your conclusions?
- When you have set boundaries with people in your life, did you also experience grief for what you cannot have in those relationships? How did you express that grief?
- Can you think of friends who needed to set boundaries in order to manage relationally immature relationships? Were you able to help them? If so, how?
- If you have the opportunity to watch the HBO documentary, Billy Joel, And So It Goes you might see relational immaturity in the ways he treated many people in his life, especially his wives (he had four marriages). Consider what characteristics of relational immaturity you can recognize. Notice that at the same time you can respect his talent and deep desires to be caring.
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute