The holidays are a time for giving and receiving gifts. It is also a time when children and even adults can experience both jealousy and envy.
In the excellent book Your Child’s Self-Esteem, author Dorothy Corkille Briggs says that “trying to eliminate all jealousy is like trying to prevent a child’s ever catching the common cold. It cannot be done. Jealousy is a part and parcel of life.”
“All of us have pangs and we know it leads to feelings and behaviors that cause distress. Our personal experience in our culture’s failure to accept negative feelings generally result in our teaching children that jealousy is wrong. Despite our best sermons, even though they may feel guilty or less worthy in the process, far too often we fail to see jealousy as the mask it really is.”
She goes on to describe what makes someone jealous of another person. “More skill, attractiveness, or self-confidence? More recognition, status, or money? Actually, it is immaterial what produces this feeling; the point is that jealousy comes with feeling disadvantaged.”
I found the information from the website Very Well Mind written by Katharine Chan, MSc, BSc, PMP in her article entitled: “Envy vs. Jealousy: Is There a Difference?” to be very helpful.
Here are some highlights:
“Humans are emotional creatures. It is completely normal and healthy to feel jealous and envious every now and then. Both are unpleasant feelings that are difficult to experience and manage.”
“There are subtle but important differences between the emotions of envy and jealousy. Although both can involve uncomfortable feelings of desire for something you want, jealousy can include resentment, suspicion, and protectiveness and envy involves a mix of admiration and discontent.”
“Jealousy can describe feelings tied to fear of losing something that you have, resentment that someone has achieved something you want, or being protective of possessions or relationships. Envy is a feeling that describes longing for someone else’s things, qualities, privileges, or luck, and the pain of not having them.”
“Understanding the subtle differences in their meanings may help you better identify and understand your emotions and communicate them to your loved ones if needed.”
“In some cases, the words envy and jealousy are used interchangeably and in other cases, one word may be more accurate than another. It can be confusing as people can feel envy and jealousy at the same time.”
“Feelings of envy in a situation with someone having qualities, items, or good fortune that you do not would show up in the form of emotional pain, lower self-worth, and lower self-esteem and perceived well-being.”
“A characteristic of envy is wanting what someone else has. It’s not having something that we want but observing someone else with it and desiring it; hence, it typically only involves two parties, you and another person. The thing you are envious of can be a quality of theirs, an object they own, their status or anything you don’t have but want. It is different from jealousy as it doesn’t commonly involve feelings of betrayal, anger or rage.”
Some examples of feelings of envy include the following:
- “You are envious of your friend who has a more attractive body than you”.
- “You are envious of your co-worker’s raise as they now earn more money than you.”
- “You are envious of your neighbor’s new car as you start up your old beater.”
Tips to Manage Envy and Jealousy
The article concludes with tips to manage envy and jealousy.
- “Have an open and honest conversation with your partner, friend or colleague: Talk to them about how you have been feeling. They won’t know what goes on inside of you unless you tell them. This gives them an opportunity to understand your situation and assess how their behavior is affecting you.”
- “Get to know yourself and understand why you’re feeling this way: Everyone has insecurities and often these show up in the way we behave in our relationships. Speaking with a therapist, writing in your journal, meditating or doing self-reflection exercises can help you gain a better understanding of yourself, identify where those jealous or envious feelings come from and help you manage them.”
- “Connect with loved ones: Talking to a friend or family member can help normalize these feelings and make you feel less alone. Everyone has felt jealous or envious before and talking about it can allow others to share ways they have dealt with those feelings. Loved ones can help remind you of all the amazing things you have in your life, your wonderful attributes and achievements.”
It is important to recognize some of these differences and to realize that sometimes you can experience some or all of them. If the thoughts and feelings become overwhelming, you might need some extra help navigating them. As always, it’s important to take care of your own mental health and to care for the mental health of those in your life.
At this holiday time it can be helpful to appreciate what some people around you might be feeling and perhaps to share some of this information with them so their thoughts and feelings can make more sense to them.
Invitation for Reflection
- What information in this blog resonated with your own personal experiences? Can you recall specific times when you were jealous or envious? How did you manage these feelings?
- Why do you think it is helpful to be able to differentiate between jealousy and envy?
- How can you prepare and help family members prepare to manage possible feelings of jealousy or envy during the holiday season?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute