For several weeks I have been updating a workshop I wrote over 10 years ago entitled “Exploring Family Legacies.” I came across a section that invites attendees to consider the stories they are telling themselves and the power these stories can have on them. I thought you might find the information interesting and helpful.
A colleague of mine did some research on the phrase “The story we tell ourselves” and shared the following with me:
Short answer: no single person definitively “originated” the phrase, “the story you tell yourself.” It’s a modern idiomatic expression that crystallized in 20th‑century psychology and then spread through therapy, self‑help, and popular culture, where many well‑known figures helped popularize it rather than invent it.
Below is the clearest, evidence‑based way to understand its origin and attribution.
1. There is no documented first author or coined date
Linguistic and academic sources do not identify a single writer or thinker who first coined the exact phrase ‘the story you tell yourself.’ Instead, it emerged gradually as plain‑language shorthand for ideas already present in psychology and philosophy long before the phrase itself became common.
2. The intellectual roots come from psychology (not self‑help)
Narrative Identity (1940s–1980s)
The deepest academic root is narrative psychology, especially the idea that identity is formed through internal life stories.
- Erik Erikson (1950s) described identity as a coherent life narrative.
- Dan P. McAdams formally developed Narrative Identity Theory in the 1980s–1990s, defining identity as “an internalized and evolving story of the self.”
This academic language later migrated into everyday phrasing like “the story you tell yourself.”
3. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy strongly shaped the wording
CBT (Aaron Beck, Albert Ellis, 1960s–1970s) focused on how thoughts create emotional experience. Therapists needed a client‑friendly way to describe automatic thoughts and cognitive schemas.
Over time, clinicians began saying things like:
- “What story are you telling yourself about this?”
- “That’s a story, not a fact.”
This therapeutic usage is widely documented but rarely attributed to a single author.
4. Who popularized the phrase (not originated it)
Although many people are often credited, they were popularizers, not originators:
Byron Katie (1990s)
- Repeatedly uses the language of “stories” versus reality in Loving What Is (1997).
- Helped mainstream the conversational phrasing in spiritual and therapeutic circles.
Tony Robbins (1990s)
- Frequently says variations such as, “We are defined by the stories we tell ourselves.”
- Played a major role in spreading the phrase into pop psychology and business culture.
Brené Brown (2010s)
- Uses the phrase extensively in talks and books (e.g., Rising Strong) to describe meaning‑making after shame or failure.
- Often causes the phrase to be mistakenly attributed to her.
5. Earliest widespread usage (traceable)
While the idea is much older, widespread public use of the exact wording appears most clearly from:
- Late 1980s–1990s in therapy and self‑help writing
- 2000s onward in mainstream media, blogs, TED talks, and psychology publications
Bottom line (precise answer)
The phrase ‘the story you tell yourself’ does not have a single identifiable originator. It evolved organically from narrative psychology and cognitive therapy, then entered popular usage through teachers, therapists, and authors—especially from the 1990s onward.
I then researched why it is important to know the story or stories you are telling yourself.
When I Googled it, the following popped up:
The Value in Knowing the Story You Are Telling Yourself
Understanding the story you are telling yourself is crucial for personal growth and wellbeing. It shapes your identity, influences your behavior, and can even impact your mental health. By recognizing and altering this narrative, you can create a more empowering and positive self-image. Here are some key benefits of knowing your story:
- Enhances Self-Awareness: Storytelling encourages introspection and self-reflection, helping you clarify values, motivations, and goals.
- Builds Emotional Intelligence: It nurtures empathy and emotional regulation, improving relationships and providing therapeutic relief.
- Boosts Confidence: Sharing your story can build confidence and strengthen public speaking skills.
- Facilitates Meaning-Making: Storytelling offers a means to reframe experiences, placing them within broader narratives of growth or hope.
By understanding and changing the story you tell yourself, you can navigate life’s challenges with greater clarity and purpose.
The story you are telling yourself is that ongoing conversation you have in your mind. It involves the messages, beliefs, values, hopes, expectations and memories you have. When you become more aware of these stories, you gain the power to decide which ones are legitimate and worth keeping and which ones you decide to discard.
I think we can all benefit from listening to those small, clear voices in our head and then take charge of them, keeping what is fair and healthy and discarding the rest.
Invitation for Reflection
- How familiar are you with this concept of The Story You Tell Yourself?
- How aware are you of the stories you tell yourself?
- When you think of them, how have they impacted your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviors?
- Are there stories you can now eliminate or revise? How do you think this will impact you?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute