In my previous blog I invited you to consider the quality of being self-confident: why it is important and what contributes to enhancing it. In this blog my invitation to you is to consider what can contribute to low self-confidence.
Let’s begin by considering what are some of the reasons someone might have low confidence and what are the costs of underconfidence?
According to a 2024 article from the website Medical News Today:
“A lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem can affect how people feel about themselves and their abilities. If people have low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence, they may have an unbalanced view of themselves and feel doubtful of their abilities or what they have to offer.
Low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence can negatively affect people’s relationships, work, or studies. Without interventions, it may also have a negative effect on their mental and physical health.”
Next, I wondered how many people lack self-confidence. Here is one answer: in an article from Psychology Today entitled “The Relationship with Yourself: Notes on Self-Confidence and Authenticity” (Note that many authors see the concept of low self-esteem as interchangeable with low self-confidence): “In my over 20 years in private practice, I’ve witnessed an alarming rate of low self-esteem among my clients which is linked to a critical self-concept. In fact, it’s estimated that roughly 85% of people worldwide (adults and adolescents) have low self-esteem. Low self-esteem has been linked to violent behavior, school dropout rates, teenage pregnancy, suicide, and low academic achievement. The World Health Organization (WHO) reports that more deaths are caused by suicide every year than homicide or war.
Understanding How Self-Concept Affects You
Self-concept was described by Baumeister in 1999 as a person’s understanding or belief about their personal attributes. These beliefs affect how they interact with the outside world. A person’s self-confidence, as well as other attributes such as self-worth, self-love and self-respect, are impacted by how intact our self-concept is. An impaired self-concept adversely interferes with a person’s ability to find happiness, and over 80% of my clients are struggling with feeling some level of unhappiness in their lives. Taken together, the relationship we have with our self-concept can invariably prevent our ability to achieve our overall desired level of satisfaction and happiness in our lives.
What about negative thoughts?
Some thoughts, like fantasies about a crush or anticipation for your weekend plans, might prompt feelings of pleasure and excitement.
Unpleasant thoughts, on the other hand, might have a lingering impact on your mood and state of mind. Worries about your relationship, your performance at work, or some new and unusual health symptoms you’ve noticed — any of these can pop up and distract you from your current task or activity.
Thanks to the negativity bias, you might place more significance on these negative thoughts, even if they don’t pose an immediate or likely threat.”
The founder of ACEs Connection, Jane Stevens, was interviewed for a podcast for Change Agent in which she shared many fascinating aspects of the ACEs work being done all over the country. She said there are four messages that are very effective in promoting some of the deep and profoundly painful beliefs of children who experienced toxic adversity in their young lives.
Four common toxic beliefs and messages to counter those beliefs:
- “I was born bad. I have no worth. I do not deserve to experience safety, relational connections, love.” The messages those with this deep belief need to hear: “You were not born bad.”
- “I caused others to treat me in these ways, I am the one responsible for the ways I was treated, it’s my fault that I am not lovable.” Instead, those with this belief need to hear: “You had no control over what happened to you as a child.” “No child or adult should believe they had control over what happened in childhood that contributed to the deep, inner psychic pain and unfair blaming and shaming messages they received.”
- “I should have known how to behave. I should have enough self-discipline to not do bad things.” Instead, those with this belief need to hear: “You coped appropriately.” This is a message that validates that children did the best they could under the circumstances to survive whatever adversity occurred to them.
- “I am always going to be this way; I am incapable of changing.” Instead, those with this belief need to hear: “You can change.” This is the message of hope.
Gabor Mate in a workshop for the Trauma Super Conference on April 8, 2023 shared the following beliefs that trauma can create in a person’s mind:
- “You are not good enough – you haven’t got what it takes to ….”
- “I have to be nice so others will like me.”
He invited people to consider if they are following a calling in life or if they are they being driven. If driven, there is tension and exhaustion. When following a calling, there is excitement, passion, joy, and fulfillment. They are energized.
Low self-confidence can be emotionally crippling. It can interfere with your happiness and positive self-confidence. If you lack self-confidence, as so many of us do, you deserve to find ways to challenge negative thoughts and beliefs and replace them with positive ones. Each of us needs to appreciate our good qualities. We need to embrace the idea that we are worth it!
Invitation for Reflection
- On the self-confidence continuum, are you higher on the scale, meaning you are fairly to mostly self-confident or are you lower on that scale, meaning you are lacking strong feelings and beliefs regarding your worth?
- If you are lower on that scale, what do you think has contributed to that? What messages did you receive as a child or adolescent that contributed to your lack of self-confidence?
- Generate a list of messages that you believe can increase your self-confidence (I suggest you write them down and read them every day). Notice over time if your self-confidence improves.
- Share this information with the important people in your life. Encourage them to notice their thoughts and feelings and work on addressing those that lessen their self-confidence and to replace them with confidence-building messages.
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute