In my previous blog I invited you to appreciate that there are many people in our lives with trauma histories and that many of you may have your own trauma history. Each person has their own unique needs that are often very challenging to meet. The needs of people impacted by trauma manifest in ways different from those who have not had significant trauma in their lives. Meeting the pain of unmet needs can be tricky because someone impacted by trauma has a different brain architecture that causes different neurological responses to others. Trusting others is often difficult.
Trauma experts such as Dr. Bruce Perry emphasize that the power to meet the needs of a person impacted by trauma lies in the quality of the relationship that exists, the degrees to which the traumatized person can feel safe enough to slowly gain trust that they will not be harmed.
As a result, working to meet the needs of individuals impacted by trauma requires taking the time needed to gain some clues about their current state of mind and how much they can tolerate being connected with a caring person.
While we never ask anyone in LGI to be pseudo-therapists, we know we can learn a lot from the wisdom of those who train clinicians. The forward of Peter Levine’s book Trauma and Memory, written by Bessel van der Kolk, provides some valuable insight about healing: “Good therapy consists of learning to call up the felt self without becoming overwhelmed by what’s lurking inside. The most important sentences in any therapy are ‘notice that’ and ‘notice what happens next.’ Allowing yourself to observe your inner processes activates brain pathways that connect the rational and emotional parts of the brain, and this is the only known pathway through which a person can consciously rearrange the perceptual system of the brain.” P. XVII.
Here are the basic steps one can take when trying to meet the needs of a person impacted by trauma:
Step I: Establish Safety, Keep Your Distance
Appreciate that the person impacted by trauma needs to know you will keep your distance, both literally and verbally. They need to know you will not pressure them or judge them. The goal is to have them decide that you are a safe person. Use a warm tone of voice, be conscious that intense eye contact can be intimidating, smile, do not cross your arms but rather have your body communicate openness. You might begin by sharing a bit about yourself or commenting about something interesting that has been happening in the world.
Step II: Use the LGI Approach of LATE: Trauma-Sensitive Listening, Affirming, Teaching and Exploring
The overall goal is to communicate: “I am here. You can share as little or as much as you want to share—you are in charge. I can handle whatever you decide you want to share. I can be attentive to you and at the same time am not pushing you to be more open. I am not judging you.”
Listening needs to be very gentle without delving too deeply into what might be going on for the person. Instead of, “You sound like you’re overwhelmed,” you might say, “You’ve been through a lot of challenging experiences.”
An Affirmation that can be very reassuring is, “That makes sense to me.” You can elaborate on that by saying something like, “I think most people would feel the same way if that happened to them.” Other affirmations acknowledge a person’s abilities, for example saying, “You were able to figure out a complicated situation and make a wise decision.”
Receiving Listening and Affirming responses can help meet the deep longing a person impacted by trauma has to feel understood, to have the freedom to be open and transparent about deeper and more important feelings and experiences, feeling appreciated and perhaps most of all, feeling safe in the relationship with another person and therefore connected. These responses, delivered at the right time and in the right ways, can help meet core needs to have a safe, meaningful connection with another human being.
You can switch to Teaching when you believe there is an openness to learning on the part of the person impacted by trauma, when they seem to be in a calmer or more alert brain state versus being highly limbic or in a lower brain state. There has been a relational connection made and some degree of safety and trust has been established.
Sometimes you can Teach an individual about the nature of trauma, how it can impact people, what some of the thoughts, feelings, behaviors, beliefs and needs of people impacted by trauma sometimes are, what you know and understand about this person, general principles about relationships— anything that you might be able to Teach that might normalize and help them become more self-aware and have a greater level of clarity, self-understanding and self-compassion. This also helps put the person impacted by trauma more in charge of their own brain, another form of empowerment.
At this point the person impacted by trauma might benefit from being able to Explore more about their situation and any issues they are facing. Maintaining safety and trust and continuing to make sure the person impacted by trauma is in charge of the process continues to be crucial to maintain the all-essential safety in the relationship.
Some examples of beginning this process: “Based on some of what we have discussed about the nature of trauma, what do you think is going on in your brain right now? What do you think might be helpful? How can you do those things without re-traumatizing yourself?”
At this level these interactions can help to meet the needs around being empowered by knowing it is okay to explore the past without being wounded by it again. This is about retaining and reclaiming power because now the person impacted by trauma can decide on the strategies that they think will be helpful.
Being intentional about moving through processes that promote safety and empowerment can result in the individual impacted by trauma becoming more aware and better prepared to move forward in their journey of healing. The potential rewards for the person impacted by trauma, and for you, are significant. It is one way we can all be active in meeting the needs of people impacted by trauma. Speaking personally, it is very satisfying.
Invitation for Reflection
- To what extent have you felt prepared when interacting with someone impacted by trauma who clearly has unmet needs?
- What in this blog resonates with you? What do you envision yourself trying? What do you think the possible impact might be?
- In what ways can you be careful with what can be a very fragile relationship? How does this realization make you feel?