The holidays often bring families together to celebrate and enjoy sharing their love for each other. It reminded me of a chapter from a classic parenting book Your Child’s Self-Esteem by Dorothy Corkille Briggs entitled “The Safety of Being Cherished.” I decided in this blog to share some of the wisdom from this book.
First let’s begin with a definition of cherishing. According to Cambridge University Press, “Cherishing means to love, protect, and care for someone or something that is important to you. Cherishing involves holding dear, feeling or showing affection for, keeping or cultivating with care and affection, and treating with affection and tenderness.”
The chapter from Your Child’s Self-Esteem begins with differentiating between acceptance and cherishing. “Parents are advised to accept a child as he is. Fine. But acceptance is too mild a word when we consider the climate of love. ‘Accept’ can mean tolerating the inevitable—tornadoes in the Midwest, adolescent acne, or Johnny’s lame leg.”
Next Ms. Briggs invites us to consider why cherishing gets lost. “Most of us do cherish our children; we’d feel a lifetime ache if they were suddenly to die. In moments of crisis, there is no question that we are valuing them. How is it, then, that our youngsters fail to feel it?
One reason is that we tend to take for granted those things we have every day: the right to vote, freedom of religion, good health—we cherish them dearly but we frequently take them for granted until they are threatened. So it is that we often forget the miracle each child represents as we live with him day after day.
They need something stronger. They need cherishing. They must feel valued and precious and special so then, deep down, they can like who they are.
Cherishing is not something you necessarily give lip service to, rather it is the feeling you have toward your child. It is sensing his uniqueness and finding it dear. In spite of indeterminate irritations, you remain open to the wonder of him.”
She invites her readers to ask themselves this question: “‘If I were to treat my friends as I treat my children, how many friends would I have left?’ Few of us would think of shaming or analyzing friends in front of others, jerking them up short with sarcasm, humiliating, embarrassing, hitting or ordering them about like soldiers under our command. Of course not. But think how commonly these happen.”
“Your respect for your children is reflected in all the ways you pick them up, hold, bathe, dress, freight, diaper them. It is reflected in how you talk, play, argue, and discipline them. You only have to apply the Golden Rule to communicate respect.”
Ms. Briggs shares that it is essential for us to cherish ourselves. She offers some suggestions for enlarging our capacity to cherish. She says that you need to ask yourself: “How much do you value yourself? Very few of us take time for serious ‘self-inventory’. Now is the time to do it. Get by yourself and look within.”
“How aware are you of your own special qualities as a person? Do you appreciate that there is no other person in the whole world quite like you? You have certain capacities and sensitivities that are uniquely yours. You have special strengths that in some way differ from the strengths of others.”
Her messages are filled with hope for her readers – and now I hope for you as you read this. Being able to intentionally cherish others and cherish yourself enhances and enriches the lives of our loved ones and ourselves.
Some of you may be familiar with the 1966 song “Cherish” by The Association. Here is how it begins:
“Cherish is the word I use to describe
All the feeling that I have
Hiding here for you inside
You don’t know how many times
I’ve wished that I had told you
You don’t know how many times
I’ve wished that I could hold you
You don’t know how many times
I’ve wished that I could
Mold you into someone who could
Cherish me as much as I cherish you”
Cherishing is a super-power for all of us to claim, a way to make our lives and the lives of others more beautiful.
Invitation for Reflection
- Take a moment to think about your childhood. To what degree did you feel cherished growing up? Recall any specific memories and why they made you feel cherished.
- If you didn’t feel cherished, how do you think that impacted you?
- Think about the children in your life today. To what degree do you cherish the children in your life? What are some specific ways you do that?
- What are the things you want to think, feel and do to enhance and increase your abilities to cherish? How can you get help with this if you need it?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute