We don’t usually think of holidays as painful, however the thoughts of celebrating mothers on Mother’s Day or fathers on Father’s Day can invoke memories of sadness, fear, disconnection and sometimes jealousy for others who seem to have or had mothers or fathers who are loving and supporting.
Given the high divorce rate, there are many families that are often referred to as “broken.” There can be such animosity between spouses when a marriage falls apart and children feel forced to favor one parent over the other. Sometimes one parent will disparage the other parent to the children and sometimes both parents do this, forcing children to decide who is the good parent and who is the bad parent. Sometimes children witness terrible fights with one spouse physically or verbally mistreating the other and the children can feel powerless to protect the parent being victimized. Dr. Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, a world-famous psychiatrist and creator of Contextual Therapy, describes these situations as evoking invisible loyalties and split loyalties. Dr. Nagy says that these loyalties occur when there is conflict between parents, and they cause tremendous pain to the children. The children are put in the middle and feel like they have to decide who is the good parent and who is the bad parent. According to the website Lindsey Hoskins and Associates who practice couple and family therapy, “Hungarian-American psychiatrist Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy wrote poignantly about the concept of ‘invisible loyalties’ in family therapy. Invisible loyalties are characteristics and behavior, usually those which govern or impact our relationships with ourselves and others, which are passed down through generations—not by choice, but unconsciously, and often detrimentally, as unwitting homage to those who came before.” Being put in positions to choose between two parents can cause children and adult children to feel terribly conflicted, abandoned, frustrated and resentful. Along comes Mother’s Day or Father’s Day and the memories of these painful experiences are triggered.
There are also many mothers who are single for one reason or another. There are many fathers who are left out of the family and do not have the opportunity to stay connected with their children.
Of course, there are other losses that can make these holidays painful or at least poignant: when children grow up and move far way, personal interactions are very limited. These relationships often exist primarily through texting, sending emails and having phone conversations. There certainly can be a lot of warmth exchanged, however it’s not the same as living in the same neighborhood as your parents. This loss of frequent in-person connections can be amplified when Mother’s Day and Father’s Day rolls around. As parents age, they can struggle with physical or mental illnesses like dementia, which can interfere with the quality of these relationships. Grandchildren can grieve the loss of one or both parents who may still be living however are no longer fully available.
I feel a little bit like I’m being a Debbie downer here (my apologies to anyone named Debbie). Many people love celebrating their mothers and/or their fathers on holidays devoted to honoring them. As someone who had a painful relationship with my own mother when I was growing up, when these holidays roll around, I find myself having many memories flash before me, unwelcome reminders that, while I know she did the best she could, her inabilities to be fully present and provide unconditional love profoundly impacted who I am today.
These holidays might provide opportunities for us to be reflective of how our parents played a role in defining who we are today. There are many things we can do to recognize and address significant wounding that occurred during childhood: researching and reading about the impact of childhood struggles and pain, talking with friends and maybe siblings to sort through issues and the impact they had and may still be having today can give us clarity. We can look for those things that one or both of our parents did that were healthy and take the time to be grateful for those. We can also learn about child development, what constitutes healthy parenting, and can work on intentionally incorporating healthier ways of relating to our children into our daily routines. Doing these things can make future Mother’s Day and Father’s Day holidays less painful and can fill us with appreciation and hope. One gift we received if we had difficult childhoods is the opportunity to break the cycles of unhealthy attitudes, beliefs and behaviors so that our children can more freely and truly celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
Invitation for Reflection
- What feelings are evoked for you on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day? Why do you think you have these feelings?
- If one or both of these holidays bring up painful memories, what can you do to address them?
- How can you ensure that the children in your life do not receive negative, unhealthy messages about you as their parent or even grandparent, aunt or uncle or family friend?
- How can you be helpful to your family members and friends who might need opportunities to share how they really feel about one or both parents, giving them credit for any of the injustices they experienced in childhood and encouraging them to find ways to be healthier towards their own children?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute