Has anyone ever said to you, “I know exactly why you’re doing that!” How does it make you feel when someone states that they know why you are doing something?
I know for me I can get defensive and frustrated. Inside I am telling myself, “They don’t know anything about why I’m doing this.”
The Oxford dictionary defines a motive as: a reason for doing something, especially one that is hidden or not obvious.
Certainly, in everyday life we need to be motivated to do things: our job, daily chores, homework, housecleaning, walking the dog. Sometimes we don’t feel particularly motivated, which can then make us feel like we are being lazy. We can have our own inner dialogue about our motives and how well we are doing with regard to meeting our responsibilities and accomplishing tasks.
It’s one thing to deal with our own inner conversation and another to deal with someone who thinks they know why we are doing something. A motive ascription often feels a kind of criticism, almost like the person thinks they can see what’s behind what we are doing or saying and wants us to know that we cannot get away with it.
I think sometimes it can be easy for parents and other caregivers to ascribe motives for their children’s behaviors. Sometimes they may be correct as to the reason a child is behaving in a certain way. “You just hit your brother to get even because he got the last cookie!” Still, I think in that moment a child can feel attacked. Instead, a parent could say something like, “I’m wondering if you are feeling pretty angry with your brother and that is why you hit him just now.” A statement like that shows understanding and is not offered in an absolute way.
Some sentence starters to help avoid the potential negative impact of a motive ascription in addition to starting with, “I’m wondering…”:
- “Is it possible that you are/were feeling…when you…?”
- “Sometimes the person in this position can feel…which then motivates them to….”
- “It can be difficult to not…in a circumstance like this when you believe…”
Becoming more aware of the potential impact of motive ascription can empower you to be a kinder and more understanding parent, friend or colleague.
Invitation for Reflection
- Can you recall a time when someone ascribed a motive for your behavior? How did that make you feel about yourself? About the other person?
- Can you recall a time when you ascribed a motive for someone else’s behavior? What was their reaction?
- How could you have reframed what you were saying to be kinder and actually more accurate?
- How might that have impacted the other person? How might that have impacted your relationship with them?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute