This might be a difficult statement to take in, let alone agree with. Like it or not, I think most of us, when we see something happening, especially something we disapprove of, can think that the offending person has no good reason for their behavior. Sometimes we are the one that is behaving in ways that go against our moral integrity and yet we feel driven to behave in those ways.
I gained some important information and principles about human behavior from three sources: first when I learned about Dr. Ivan Boszormenyi Nagy’s Contextual Model Family Therapy while attending Temple University many years ago, later when read the work of Dr. Alice Miller, and more recently when I studied the impact of transgenerational legacies on our behavior. The bottom line: if you look deeply enough, you often can discover the underlying causes for confusing or troubling behavior.
I have mentioned Dr. Nagy in previous blogs. His model suggests that people “earn” the right to be unfair to others and to themselves because of how they have been treated. For example, he said an abused child has earned the right to be abusive to their own children or to themself. Of course, it is not morally correct, but in his model he says it is ethically understandable. In order to be able to appreciate how hurtful they have been, they need to first receive adequate credit for the injustices that happened to them and then they must make amends for any damage they have done to themselves or others.
Dr. Alice Miller in her book Banished Knowledge, describes how someone with a traumatic history may be compelled to repeat that trauma. This can happen unconsciously. Sometimes murderers act out the pain and horrors of their trauma as shown through how they murder people. She says that it is only after someone is able to work through and understand their own traumatic history that they are then freed from this compulsion.
Thirdly, our transgenerational legacies (sometimes referred to as intergenerational legacies) can be the underlying reason for our behaviors. According to Dr. Mariel Buqué in her book Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma, “The experiences of our ancestors produce something like a fingerprint, imprinting unique neural patterns on our brains through the generations” (104). These patterns show up in behaviors across the generations. For example, sometimes in families there are patterns of having arguments where people then do not speak to each other for many years, seeming to be incapable of addressing their issues and needs that would bring healing to that relationship. One conclusion she shares: “Increasing your generational resilience will require that you push yourself in the direction of growth. Intergenerational resilience refers to the enduring strength, healing, and adaptation of the people that we descend from and the ways in which, in our lifetime, we have inherited and built upon their strength to prevail within our own circumstances.”
She goes on to say, “When you learn about the strength of your ancestors, you are emboldened. You are able to capture the strength that’s been passed down by the resilience that already lies within you” (200). Two inspirational statements: “I am not just my ancestors’ wildest dreams. I am my descendants’ greatest hope,” and “You are becoming the ancestor you needed and the ancestor whom others will take pride in” (218, 219).
As you can see, many of our unhealthy behaviors and the unhealthy behaviors of others can make more sense to us once we appreciate the invisible forces that may be influencing those behaviors. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t hold ourselves or others accountable. We need to make amends. We need to acknowledge and apologize. We can learn from those behaviors and gain the wisdom needed to prevent that unhealthiness from recurring. Our futures and the futures of others, including our children and grandchildren, deserve nothing less.
Invitation for Reflection
- Can you recall a time when you or someone you knew behaved in ways that were inappropriate, hurtful or immoral? What were some of your reactions to that behavior? Did you find yourself not only shocked but confused?
- How does the information in this blog clarify what possibly might have been the underlying causes of this behavior?
- If you considered something you did, what kind of work do you need to do to sort through the possible underlying causes and find ways to make the changes that will prevent something like this from happening again?
- If you considered something someone else did, what information would you share with them to help them sort through possible underlying causes for their behaviors and to encourage them to find ways to make the changes they need to prevent something similar from happening in the future?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute