I remember learning about the five stages of grief that Dr. Kübler Ross published in her 1969 best-selling book, On Death and Dying in which she shared her research based on interviewing terminally ill patients. I was under the impression this was the gold standard for understanding what to expect as anyone faced their own death or the death of a loved one. However, new information and research has emerged that I think you will appreciate, just as I have.
The following information is found on the Talk Death website and provides us with a description of the 5 Stages of Grief Dr. Kübler Ross describes:
- Denial: the period of temporary shock when first confronted with a deeply upsetting or traumatic piece of news or event.
- Anger: towards others, oneself, God, or whoever one might identify as responsible for your suffering.
- Bargaining: a brief stage usually occurring between oneself and whoever one sees as responsible for your suffering.
- Depression: the period of mourning for loss with feelings of despair and sadness.
- Acceptance: not to be confused with a “happy stage,” but rather an acceptance of one’s circumstances.
“Kübler-Ross is careful to note that these stages are by no means a complete list of all possible emotions experienced when grieving, and that they may occur in varying orders. Still, she proposes this as the common ‘guide’ to the overall grieving process, which has been more or less adhered to since its publication.”
One resource that suggests we need to update our understanding of grief is from The Grief Cure by Cody Delistraty (2024). The author explains why we cling to Dr. Kübler Ross’ stages of grief, and how real healing happens when we let it go:
“There are few grieving philosophies more widely embraced in the U.S. than the five stages.… While one 2007 study in JAMA found that many do grieve in a progression that mirrors the five stages, they’re often misinterpreted as a strict blueprint, when there are universal directions to grief one can, even should, follow. (Kübler-Ross noted that this was not her aim, but the misunderstanding has mostly stuck.)
In his well-known critique of Kübler-Ross’ model, Baxter Jennings argues that the 5 Stages does not adequately address the personal dimension of grief. Indeed, Jennings believes that this model doesn’t take into account the ways in which one’s environment may or may not impact the manner in which grief is both experienced and expressed. ‘If patients are surrounded by positive experiences,’ Jennings explains, they will experience things differently from how they would if they were surrounded by negatives.’ Essentially, Jennings points out that a patient’s environment can have a great effect on their attitudes towards death.”
Here is what some of the new research suggests:
George Bonanno, a professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University, states in his book The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss (2009), that the reactions of those who experience grief and trauma are influenced greatly by what he calls “natural resilience”. He states: “people are resilient even when facing extreme stressors or losses.”He says this contradicts the 5 Stages of grief model. “Many resilient people show no grief and therefore have no stages of grief to pass through.” Bonanno’s research argues that the absence of grief or trauma symptoms can, in fact, be a healthy outcome. However, this has often been treated as something to be feared by therapists and researchers alike.
He believes we should appreciate that Kübler-Ross’ 5 Stages of Grief model raises some important questions, most significantly is whether or not such an approach to grief is applicable to everyone. When grief is such an individually felt emotion, and the process of grieving so unique to each person, is it helpful to try and apply the 5 Stages to your own experience of loss? Or the experience of someone you know and care about? The research of Bonanno and Jennings says, “perhaps not”.
Another resource: The Dual Process Model of Grief (Stroebe & Schut, 1999).
This model suggests that during healthy grief processing, individuals will oscillate between focusing on their loss and distracting themselves from their loss. This model of coping with grief posits that people switch back and forth between grieving and not grieving as a coping mechanism to deal with their grief. Without this dual process, it would be more difficult to work through the stages of grief and move on with life.
Another model is entitled the Meaning Reconstruction (Neimeyer, 2000s–present).
This model focuses on how people make sense of the loss and rebuild a sense of identity and purpose. In it they say that grief involves reconstructing meaning in a world that has changed due to the loss. The model emphasizes storytelling, identity and personal growth.
The Continuing Bonds Theory (Klass, Silverman & Nickman, 1996) challenges the idea that healthy grief means “letting go.” Instead, it suggests that maintaining an ongoing connection (e.g., memories, legacy, internal dialogue) with the deceased can be healthy and adaptive. Klass, Silverman, and Nickman propose that instead of detaching from a lost loved one, the bereaved maintain a connection in new ways. This perspective shifts grief support from a “letting go” mindset to one that acknowledges the ongoing relationship between the living and the deceased. They did say that many people find comfort in honoring and remembering their loved ones.
Here are some of the ways grieving individuals maintain a bond with someone who has died:
- Talking to the deceased – Many people find comfort in speaking aloud to their lost loved ones, whether privately or in the presence of others.
- Holding onto objects – Keeping personal belongings, such as a piece of jewelry or a handwritten note, serves as a tangible link to the deceased.
- Engaging in rituals – Anniversaries, birthdays, and special occasions often become times to honor and reflect on the person’s life.
- Carrying forward their values – Some find meaning in continuing a loved one’s work, passions, or charitable efforts.
- Dreams and spiritual connections – Many people report vivid dreams or feelings of a deceased loved one’s presence, which can offer emotional reassurance.
- Dreams and spiritual connections – Many people report vivid dreams or feelings of a deceased loved one’s presence, which can offer emotional reassurance.
I hope this information has not only clarified why it is important to have other perspectives beyond what Dr. Kübler Ross shared many years ago to describe the grieving process, but also gives you some very specific suggestions for alternative attitudes, beliefs and behaviors to support healthy grieving.
Invitation for Reflection
- Were you familiar with the Dr. Kübler Ross’ Stages of Grief? Has this information been helpful to you in times of grieving?
- How do you feel about the newer suggestions for better understanding the grief process and some of the suggestions that I included? Can you picture yourself applying some of them?
- How might it have changed things for you if you had known this information a long time ago when you experienced a significant loss? What specifically would that have done for you?
- Think about family members and friends with whom you might want to share this information.
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute