Do You Know What to Say When Someone Is Grieving? 

An unpleasant discovery I and my friends who also are getting older have experienced is the loss of many friends and family members. Recently, I have lost several lifelong friends including a dear neighbor of over 40 years and a friend from high school. A few months ago, my niece who was only four years younger than me died and within weeks her husband died, and most recently my ex-husband.

The older we get, the more we have to face the deaths of people who have been important in our lives. While this can happen to any of us at any time, it seems to happen more frequently when we become seniors. And of course, along with all these deaths comes the experience of grieving.

A few years ago, I was very fortunate to be asked to develop a workshop about grief and grieving. I learned so much in the process that has helped me better understand my own grief and then to be prepared with my responses when I am with somebody who is grieving. I thought my readers would find this information helpful. As you read this you might want to reflect on your own experiences of grieving.

First it can be helpful to appreciate that there are predictable stages of grief. The following information is adapted from Jean Illsley Clarke’s book Connections, pp. 170- 173. She based her 9 stages on the work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and George Kohlriese.

(Important note regarding individuality: the sequence and duration of each stage is highly individual. Each person will feel and express themself in a unique way. Some may not experience all these stages.) 

Denial: often a first response that goes with the shock of first learning about a loss. “This isn’t really happening.” Denial is the disbelief or minimization that can offer a kind of protection from the reality of the loss. 

Protest: an angry reaction to having something taken away, be it a literal thing like a person, or a sense of safety, invulnerability, peace.   

Sadness: the physical responses of crying, having our stomachs churn, our throats tighten, that sense that we have been punched in our hearts that can touch us to our core selves while we are washed in feelings of despair and loss.   

Fear: having to grapple with what the losses mean, how we will go on, whether or not we will be able to cope and survive. 

Intellectual acceptance: the mind begins to process information in a somewhat clinical way, logic takes over and our abilities to use our thinking processes begin to emerge. We can input information. We begin to think of things we can do, ways we can cope, ways to take charge.  

Emotional acceptance: in this stage we move to embracing the many feelings of shock, anger, sadness, loss and fear and can either let them go or we can allow them to be a part of who we are. The losses and the implications and meaning of the losses can be experienced as real. We can say goodbye to what we no longer have.

New attachments: in this stage we find ourselves able to move forward to connect with new people, ideas, activities. We can live again. We are not seeking poor substitutes for losses but healthy replacements and new, meaningful attachments. We can be nostalgic about the past and can miss what or who is no longer there, and still embrace a new lifestyle, new ways of thinking and behaving.  

Forgiveness: in this stage if the loss was the result of someone’s abuse or neglect, we move beyond angry feelings and our sense of loss to allowing our understanding to bring us to forgiveness. 

Gratitude: in this stage we are able to celebrate what we once had and even celebrate whatever positive has come out of the whole experience of loss. We can go back in time and see the good, feel happiness or contentment, appreciate what was special. We can know that out of the losses may have come new strengths, new awareness, new skills, new relationships, new resolve. We can know that we probably would not have made these gains if it weren’t for the losses.   

MESSAGE AWARENESS: Here are some of the potentially toxic messages to avoid transmitting (Source: Connections: The Threads That Strengthen Families by Jean Illsley Clarke, pages 159 – 161). 

 A toxic message tells a person not to grieve, not recognize feelings, to shut down, and therefore it can hamper their ability to be connected with their own feelings and with others. Many of us have learned to communicate toxic messages because this is how our grieving has been handled. It is okay to relearn healthier messages to replace those that are hurtful. 

For each “Don’t grieve” message, there is an opposite healthy message that is supportive and nurturing.

Being better prepared to understand the many possible stages of grief one might experience, along with the messages to avoid and the messages to transmit, can prepare each of us for those times in our lives when we experience the deaths of those important to us (and any other significant loss). I know I feel more confident when I interact with someone who has experienced a significant loss because of the wisdom Jean Illsley Clarke shared with all of us. I hope this is your experience as well.

Invitation for Reflection

1. Recall a time when you experienced a serious loss. Do you recognize how you moved through some of the typical stages of grief?  How did you feel in each stage?
2. Recall how those close to you responded to your grief. Do you recognize some of the typical messages people share with someone who is grieving? What was the impact of what they said on you?
3. Recall a time when someone important to you was grieving. Do you recognize how they experienced some of the typical stages of grief?
4. Recall how you responded to their grief. Did you share healthier or less healthy messages? How did those responses impact your relationship?
5. Who can you share this information with to enhance their awarenesses and abilities to be sensitive when interacting with anyone in their life who is grieving?

Diane Wagenhals

Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute