I often find myself pulling out books I haven’t looked at for years to refresh myself with the wisdom contained in them. This morning I began rereading The Black Parenting Book by Anne Beal, MD, Linda Villarosa and Allison Abner, a book that is much more about healthy parenting regardless of race.
Nurturing and empowering parents has been a lifelong mission for me, starting with how I focused on learning how to parent my own children in healthy ways. Over the years I have found that there are many wise people who provide principles and practices that promote the emotional and relational health of children as they grow. What I liked from The Black Parenting Book that I want to share with you is the list they shared that describes 15 ways to be a better parent. As you read these, I encourage you to reflect on the degrees to which you practice them.
- Be a good example. “How you spend your time, and how you express your emotions or creativity, and how you involve yourself in your spiritual and local community are absorbed by your child. One of the best gifts you can give your child is to be a good example in which you embody and live by your family’s values and beliefs.” [p. xiii]
- Respect your child as a person. “Researchers now know that the children raised in families where parents place reasonable demands, set clear and firm limits, and allow children to participate in household rules grow up to have a better relationship with their parents, feel more assertive, and exercise better problem-solving skills than children from authoritarian homes.” [p. xiii]
- Keep a sense of humor. “Sometimes showing your child how ridiculous something is can be more effective than scolding. Children are masters at finding the silly and the absurd in most things, so take the opportunity to join in and let out some tension with a good laugh.” [p. xiv]
- Take time for yourself. “We all need a break at least once a week to spend time with our friends or by ourselves doing something we really enjoy. And don’t leave out your partner. Relationships have been known to suffer because parents spend too much of their time with chores and other family obligations.” [p. xiv]
- Plan for the future. “Setting personal and family goals is a key means to reduce stress in your life. While everyone needs room for spontaneity, there are areas that require careful planning to assure you accomplish what you need to for your family.” [p. xiv]
- Have reasonable expectations for your child. “Your relationship with your child is in part determined by your expectations for their behavior and abilities. Being aware of what is developmentally appropriate behavior and understanding your child’s personality can help you avoid friction and appreciate what your child can and cannot do.” [p. xv]
- Help your child think for themself. “The goal of parenting is to care for and guide your child until the day comes when they are an independent adult. Being independent requires good judgment and problem-solving skills, tools that we begin providing for our children from the start. Parents do their children a disservice by not explaining clearly the reasons behind the rules.” [p. xv]
- Remember what’s important. “Maintaining family ties with respect, dignity, love, and clear limits is what matters most in parenting. If you find yourself locked in a struggle, ask yourself, ‘What’s important and how can it be resolved so we can all get what we want?’” [p. xv]
- Lean on your friends and family. “Having the comfort and support of family and friends is crucial in your daily life. Without an emotional support network, parents can feel overwhelmed, burdened, and alone. Connecting, swapping stories, and venting with those who know and love us renews us.” [p. xv]
- Forgive your parenting mistakes. “Just about every parent has to survive parental guilt, that awful feeling when you know you’ve hurt your child in some way. Acknowledging your wrong is the first step in doing what’s right and learning from what didn’t work. It’s also a way to demonstrate to your child that when you hurt someone you love, you make amends and rebuild trust.” [p. xvi]
- Spend individual time with each child. “The best way to improve or maintain your relationship with your child is to spend time alone with them. Every day or once a week, plan an activity that you both enjoy or explore activities together.” [p. xvi]
- Talk to your child. “Studies of parents and infants show that the more we speak to our children in a loving way, the more we boost their IQs. Talking teaches children new words, concepts, complex ideas, and activates brain activity that affects intelligence.” [p. xvi]
- Read and sing to your child. “Talking, reading, and singing teach our children about language, rhythm, and tone. While having fun, children also learn about culture, are introduced to concepts like counting, and learn to love learning.” [p. xvi]
- Help your child foster relationships with others. “A parent holds the most esteemed place in a child’s heart, and through that close relationship a child feels free to branch out into other meaningful bonds with family members, caregivers, teachers, and peers. From these other relationships, they will acquire important social skills and become exposed to ideas and subjects they may not learn at home. They will also see themselves as someone separate from you who has their own likes and dislikes.” [p. xvii]
- Find the child in yourself. “By the time we reach adulthood, much of our sense of wonder, our creativity, and our ability to have uninhibited fun is gone. When we tap into that part of ourselves, we discover that our most true, free, and happy selves have been buried for years. Having children can help us return to those days of making mud pies, puddle jumping, and fantasy.“ [p. xvi]
I think these ideas for being a better parent are both inspirational and practical. They also can be applied to anyone in a caregiving role such as aunts, uncles, and other family members.
While parenting is certainly hard work and stressful at times, adhering to these ideas for better parenting can make the whole experience much more rewarding and enjoyable for the adults and certainly much healthier for the children.
Invitation for Reflection
- To what degree did you feel that you are familiar with and apply the approaches for being a better parent? Which ones stood out for you?
- Were any of these new to you? If so, how are you responding to the ideas being suggested?
- Think about how your parents parented you. How many of the items on this list seem consistent with their parenting? If they did not parent in these ways, how do you think that has impacted you?
- Can you think of people you might want to share this with and how you might do this?
- If appropriate, consider sharing some of these with your children to let them know your desire to continue growing as a parent.
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute