In a few days we will all celebrate the fourth of July, the day that marks the birth of the United States and the commitment we made to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Our country is founded on freedom and on protecting human rights. We have a history of fighting for these rights. We all inherited these rights and need to protect them at all costs. This includes being current on crises and wars in other countries that could ultimately impact us.
In the last few years and continuing today, America has participated in one way or another in wars. Most of us are very aware of what is going on between Ukraine and Russia and our support of the Ukrainians, and just last week there was the attack on Iran.
I think most Americans are extremely concerned about these wars and other conflicts overseas. Many of us struggle to trust the current administration to handle them well (sorry if I have offended anyone who believes the current administration is handling things well. Obviously, this is just my opinion).
As adults, we have the capacity to process what is happening and can do our own research; however, the children in our lives, especially the younger ones, usually are not able to do this kind of processing. They can hear about war when their parents and caregivers talk with each other, or perhaps they see something on the news, or they have conversations with friends who share their beliefs and fears. All of these things can make them feel confused and frightened.
I think it is important for parents and caregivers to be prepared to have conversations with their kids to guide them through the process of understanding what is happening and most importantly to help them feel safe.
In doing a little research I found some articles that provided some suggestions. The first is from Psychology Today. Here are a few highlights of its key points:
“Listen to yourself. First and foremost, take time, even if it can only be a few minutes in your busy day, to check in with your own reactions. What are your feelings about what is happening? What are your concerns about talking with your child? What do you need for comfort? Sorting out your own reactions helps you to be steady and sturdy when talking with your child, able to focus on what they are saying — and not saying. Your child feels comforted by your inner centeredness even if you’re expressing that you are feeling anger or other difficult emotions.
Limit your news intake. You may want to or feel the need to know what is going on. But you can find out without checking social media feeds and news outlets all day long.
Connect with people. This could include family, friends, clergy, a therapist, or anyone else you find supportive. When you feel supported, you can be stronger when talking with your child. This also helps you to listen during a conversation with less of your own inner noise.
The following are recommendations for helping your child:
Find a quiet, uninterrupted moment with no screens, not near bedtime, at a moment when you can be with your child for a while. Be only truthful but be aware of the impact the information can have on your child. This entails giving information step by step and listening for reaction, asking if there are questions, and then proceeding to answer only what your child asks and not more. If you create a space where your child feels able to speak freely, they will ask follow-up questions as they occur to them.
Limit your child’s exposure to the news. There are graphic and violent images being shown on social media and news outlets. These images will not help your child to understand events, as they are too overwhelming.
Maintain routines. Your child will find comfort in the predictability of routine when the larger world seems especially unpredictable.
Teach your kids to look for the helpers. This is Fred Rogers’s wise advice. In every situation of harm and danger there are people who step up to help. This shows them that the world is neither all good nor all bad at any given moment and that people will be there to help in times of need. Anne Frank wrote, “I still believe, despite everything, that people are truly good at heart.” It is comforting to recognize that there is much goodness in the world even as we recognize suffering.
Look for ways that you and your child can be helpers. Look for ways to donate money, such as to the Red Cross. Help your child write letters to political figures. If you are a family who prays, invite and help your child to pray for those who have been harmed by the wars. Becoming a helper is an antidote to the feeling of helplessness you and your child may feel about other people suffering.”
Some additional recommendations from UNICEF:
“Kids can discover the news in many ways, so it’s important to check in on what they’re seeing and hearing. It’s an opportunity to reassure them and potentially correct any inaccurate information they might have come across whether online, on TV, at school or from friends.
A constant stream of upsetting images and headlines can make it feel like the crisis is all around us. Younger children may not distinguish between images on screen and their own personal reality and may believe they’re in immediate danger, even if the conflict is happening far away. Older children might have seen worrying things on social media and be scared about how events might escalate.
It’s important not to minimize or dismiss their concerns. If they ask a question that might seem extreme to you, such as “Are we all going to die?”, reassure them that is not going to happen, but also try to find out what they have heard and why they are worried about that happening. If you can understand where the worry is coming from, you are more likely to be able to reassure them.
Be sure to acknowledge their feelings and assure them that whatever they are feeling is natural. Show that you’re listening by giving them your full attention and remind them that they can talk to you or another trusted adult whenever they like.
Use age-appropriate language, watch their reactions and be sensitive to their level of anxiety.
Speak calmly and be mindful of your body language, such as facial expressions.
As much as you can, reassure your children that they are safe from any danger. Remind them that many people are working hard around the world to stop the conflict and find peace.
Remember that it’s OK to not have the answer to every question. You can say that you need to look it up or use it as an opportunity with older children to find the answers together. Use websites of reputable news organizations or international organizations like UNICEF and the UN. Explain that some information online isn’t accurate and remind them that it’s important to find reliable sources.
Spread compassion, not stigma. Conflict can often bring with it prejudice and discrimination, whether against a group of people or a country. When talking to your children, avoid labels like ‘bad people’ or ‘evil’ and instead use it as an opportunity to encourage compassion, such as for the families forced to flee their homes.
Even if a conflict is happening in a distant country, it can fuel discrimination on your doorstep. Check that your children are not experiencing or contributing to bullying. If they have been called names or bullied at school, encourage them to tell you or an adult whom they trust.
Remind your children that everyone deserves to be safe at school and in society. Bullying and discrimination is always wrong and we should each do our part to spread kindness and support one another.
Close conversations with care. It’s important to make sure that you are not leaving your child in a state of distress. Try to assess their level of anxiety by watching their body language, considering whether they’re using their usual tone of voice and watching their breathing. Remind them that you care and that you’re there to listen and support them whenever they’re feeling worried.
Continue to check in with your child to see how they’re doing. How are they feeling? Do they have any new questions or things they would like to talk about with you? As news of the conflict continues, you should continue to check in.
Children have different reactions to adverse events; some signs of distress might not be so obvious. Younger children may become clingier than usual, while teens might show intense grief or anger. Many of these reactions only last for a short time and are normal reactions to stressful events. If these reactions last for a prolonged period of time, your child may need specialist support.
Doing fun things together is another great way to relieve kids’ anxiety and help them focus on things they can control. Invite them to play a game, go for a walk, watch a comedy or light-hearted movie or show, or do a craft project.
Be ready to talk to your child if they ever bring up the subject. If it’s just before bedtime, finish up with something positive such as reading a favorite story to help them sleep well.”
A few of my suggestions: teach and then remind children that America is the most powerful country in the world. Let them know that we do not misuse our power and strive to help other countries be safe. Teach and remind children that the conflicts that are happening are on the other side of the world, thousands of miles away from us. If possible, use a globe to show them that. And if you are a family of faith, remind them that God is in charge. Look for biblical statements to share with them or, if you are not Jewish or Christian, statements from whatever source your faith uses, such as the Koran.
By the way, much of this information is appropriate to apply whenever there is something stressful happening in a child’s life. It’s good to be prepared to nurture a child who is feeling unsafe and anxious.
Invitation for Reflection
- How aware are the children in your life with regard to the conflicts happening in the world? How is it making them feel? What specifically are they concerned about?
- Which recommendations in this blog might be helpful when you interact with a worried, anxious child?
- How well are you doing managing your own fears with regard to the state of the world these days? Which of the recommendations might be helpful for you to apply to yourself?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute