Many of us are in close relationships with children, teens and adults who have experienced significant trauma. Many of you may have your own trauma histories. We may want to meet the pain of unmet needs, but it turns out that can be tricky.
Trauma-impacted children and adults are different in many ways from those who are not deeply impacted by trauma: their brain architecture is different, their neurological responses to themselves, others and the world are different, their abilities to be open, honest, transparent, vulnerable, articulate, and able to process life experiences with others are usually deeply impaired. It can be extremely difficult for the trauma-impacted child, teen, or adult to trust others and to even trust themselves.
Meeting the needs of trauma-impacted children and adults can be extremely difficult for all these reasons. No one should be overly confident or cavalier about how to do this. In some cases, it may be virtually impossible for even very caring individuals to come close enough to help meet needs in a meaningful way.
That does not mean that kind, compassionate, patient, tolerant and hopeful responses do not help the trauma-impacted person. Those wishing to help trauma-impacted people need to be highly aware and appreciative of the pain and struggles that person lives with every day, and how their pain and struggles can impede their abilities to have authentic interactions or dialogues with others. Being with people who are kind and gentle, who do not pressure, criticize, judge, or condemn can be a very new experience for some trauma-impacted children, teens, and adults. At a very core, primitive level, the experience of being around somebody with these attributes can be a new experience, which can signal that it is a dangerous experience because it is unfamiliar. Attempting to meet the needs of a trauma-impacted child, teen or adult can be complex and confusing both for those trying to help meet those needs and those on the receiving end of those efforts.
The following information from an Oprah Winfrey conversation with Dr. Bruce Perry, a world-renowned expert on trauma and its impact on children, provides us with important information about the needs of trauma impacted young people:
Perry states, “It’s crucial to understand what has happened to traumatized children before trying to ‘fix’ their behavior. You need other tools in your toolkit.”
In a response to Oprah’s question: “What’s the difference between a really bad childhood and being able to overcome that, and a traumatic childhood and someone not being able to overcome that?” Dr. Perry’s response: “Really it boils down to something pretty simple. And it’s relationships.”
In my next blog, I will share the wisdom of trauma expert Peter Levine who offers specific suggestions for healthy responses to the needs of trauma impacted people. I believe this information is very powerful, even life-changing, for both the trauma-impacted person and for the person who interacts with them in a trauma-informed way.
Invitation for Reflection
- Think about the people in your life, the children, teens, and adults, who you suspect or know have a trauma history. To what degree do you know what physical, emotional and relational needs they seem to have? How have you attempted to help them meet those needs? How successful do you think you have been?
- Think about yourself. What are some of your needs? How do you work to meet those needs? Are there people in your life who try to help you meet them? How successful are their attempts?
- What in this blog resonates with you? What are you wishing you could do to enhance your abilities to meet the needs of someone impacted by trauma?