In light of the Epstein files that led us into an insidious, deviant world of sexual childhood abuse, I thought my readers would find the information I am sharing in this blog to be enlightening even as it may be horrifying.
Before you read this, if you were a victim of childhood sexual abuse, you need to prepare yourself for what can be personally challenging to learn about. You may even decide to skip this blog.
In Alice Miller’s book Banished Knowledge: Facing Childhood Injuries, she describes her journey of discovering that she actually was an abused child who had to adapt to the needs and feelings of her mother. She said she had no chance to ever feel any of her own feelings, and that came as a great surprise to her. “The discovery of my total helplessness at that time also showed me not only the power of repression that all my life had been kept away from the truth but as well the impotence of psychoanalysts, whose misleading theories further reinforce this respect repression.”
She goes on to say that even her own father was unaware what was going on. She says, “if but a single person had understood at that time what was going on and had come to my defense, my entire life would have taken a different course. That person could have helped me to recognize the quality and not tolerated for decades as something normal and necessary, at the expense of my own life” (6, 7). Later in the book, she describes how she had to repress memories and deaden her feelings. She knew that the slightest resistance on her part would have caused her mother to inflict the direst of punishments.
Toward the end of the book, she shares the following: “What happens when a child reared in love, protection, and honesty is suddenly beaten by someone? The child will scream, give vent to his anger, then burst into tears, revealing his pain, and probably ask: why are you doing this to me? None of this is possible when a child trained from the very outset to be obedient is beaten by his own parents whom he loves. The child must stifle his pain and anger and repress the whole situation to survive. For to be able to show anger the child needs the confidence based on the experience that he will not be killed as a result. A pattern that cannot build up his confidence; children are indeed sometimes killed when they dare to rebel against injustice. Hence the child must suppress his rage to survive in a hostile environment, must even stifle his massive, overwhelming pain in order not to die of it. So now the silence of forgetting descends over everything, and the parents are idealized—they never have done anything wrong. “And if they did beat me, I deserved it” the child might say. This is the familiar version of the torture that has been endured” (161).
In Alice Miller’s book The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting, she describes how abusive parenting profoundly affects the child’s body and lingers long into adulthood. She specifically describes the devastating effects of sexual exploitation of children by parents, usually fathers, stepparents, brothers, uncles and other family members, which can become transgenerational as behaviors are passed on from one generation to the next. “Children cannot escape their own parents, so they cannot afford to see through them either. Blindness makes it possible to survive. This is the way the abuse of children has functioned since time immemorial. Blindness and forgiveness are essential to survival. But at the same time, they lead to repetition and they perpetuate cycles of cruelty. To break through this vicious cycle, we need to understand that so-called love cannot survive abuse, deception, and exploitation without seeking new victims. And if it requires new victims, it is no longer love but at best the longing for love. Only the unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, what really happened can break through the chain of abuse. If I know I can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness. I no longer need to reenact what happened to me and take it out on innocent people because now I know what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge” (168).
Clearly it is extremely challenging to uncover these kinds of abuse and find ways to break the cycles that have been incorporated into family legacies. If your life experiences or those of family members resonate with this information, you or they probably will need intensive therapy. It is important to uncover these patterns of abuse as the first step towards beginning the process of healing, and also interrupting destructive family legacies, appreciating that this can impact future generations.
Invitation for Reflection
- What thoughts, feelings, beliefs and/or memories did this blog evoke in you?
- Were you surprised about the information Alice Miller shared? What about it was surprising?
- Are there people in your life who come to mind as far as possible childhood abuse is concerned? How could you approach them to share the information and your concerns?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute