In this blog I am going to share some information from a book written in 1992 that has important and relevant information for parents, caregivers, and for those who work in early childhood education or in schools. The book is entitled You Can’t Say You Can’t Play by Vivian Gussin Paley.
Paley describes a phenomenon that often develops in classrooms. “Certain children will have the right to limit social experiences of their classmates. Henceforth a ruling class will notify others of their acceptability, and the outsiders learn to anticipate the sting of rejection. Long after hitting and name-calling have been outlawed by the teachers, a more damaging phenomena is allowed to take root, spreading like a weed from grade to grade.” [p.3] Later she says, “The rejected children know who they are, whether or not they tell us.” [p.15]
I remember being in fourth grade, lining up to go back into the classroom after recess. I heard a number of the girls in my class talking about a party they were invited to the coming weekend. It turns out that everyone in the class was invited except me. It is one of those moments here in my memory that confirmed that I did not fit in with others. In fifth grade I noticed that many kids did not seem to want to play with me or be with me on the playground or in small group activities. I had almost no friends and felt lonely throughout my elementary school years until we moved from Pennsylvania to Maryland. I don’t know what it was that allowed me to change or that I was in an environment that was just much friendlier and inclusive, but I was invited to parties and I was a part of small group activities with my peers who seemed to actually enjoy my participation. I began to heal from the painful experiences of my earlier childhood, although to this day I often feel insecure in some situations, wondering if I will fit in.
The author of the book points out that there are certain circumstances where it is probably okay to have a group be exclusive, such as a group of children of divorce who get together to discuss their experiences and feelings. She pointed out that sometimes there are groups that try to be exclusive, like an all-boys baseball team, that may need to allow girls to participate. (She was describing the play happening at recess rather than formal baseball teams outside of school.) I can see that could become controversial and yet worthy of a conversation to ensure that all children felt included. Basically, it’s up to the adults to appreciate how toxic and emotionally harmful being excluded can be to a child and then to directly address the problem.
Consider how we can teach children about the impact of their behaviors on others, especially when these behaviors can cause feelings of rejection and hurt. There is an outstanding chapter in Dr. Bruce Perry’s book The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog entitled “The Kindness of Children.” In it he describes a seven-year-old boy who came from an abusive background that resulted in problems with his developing brain. This caused him to be socially inappropriate with other children in his class, i.e., the children responded to this behavior by rejecting him. The remedy to this sad situation for this boy was for the teacher to explain to the children why he behaved as he did. Perry states, “most bullying and social rejection begins with fear of the unfamiliar, and adults have much more influence over the process than they believe they have. When children understand why someone behaves oddly, they generally give him or her more slack. And the younger the children are, the more easily they are influenced by both obvious and subtle use of rejection and acceptance from adults. These cues often set the tone for the children’s status systems, and teachers and parents can either minimize bullying or unfortunately maximize it, by either strongly discouraging or tolerating the scapegoating of those who are ‘different.’… Knowing that Peter’s immature behavior came from a history of deprivation allowed his classmates to reinterpret his behavior when he grabbed something or talked out of turn. They no longer saw these behaviors as a personal affront or jarring oddity, but simply as a remnant from his past.” [pp. 229, 230] He went on to explain that because the other children became more forgiving and better understood the social cues he was giving them, they were able to interpret those cues more accurately. This then enabled him to fit in better. Dr. Perry shared that by the time Peter reached high school he no longer stood out and he has continued to do well, both academically and socially.
Recently I shared what I had written in this blog with a longtime friend and colleague of mine whose first son developed Type I Diabetes at a young age. She shared how she had a nurse explain to his kindergarten class the kind of care he would need, including going to the nurse’s office three times a day to have his sugar checked. She said the response of the children to this day brings tears to her eyes (and it did to mine as I heard her story.) The children not only embraced him socially, they fought over who would be able to accompany him to the nurses office each day. In a similar way to Dr. Perry’s story, this boy is now a college graduate who still remembers his kindergarten days and how he was embraced by his peers. What an enormous impact this mom’s advocacy for him had on his life!
Given the right information and the support of adults, children are capable of compassion towards other children who seem different to them. With this kind of encouragement, school experiences can nurture the emotional health of children who, for some reason or the other, don’t seem to fit in. Children need to be in environments where they learn that they can’t say you can’t play.
One of my all-time favorite Dr. Perry quotes: “The more healthy relationships a person has, the more likely he will be able to recover from trauma and thrive. Relationships are the agents of change and the most powerful therapy is human love.” [p. 230] I think the stories in this blog provide us with examples of how we all can appreciate the power of relationships that are based on acceptance, connection, and human love.
Invitation for Reflection
- Think back to your childhood. Do you have stories of times when you were accepted and embraced by your peers, or did you have experiences where you were rejected for some reason or the other? How did these experiences impact your self-esteem and self-confidence then and now?
- Think about the children in your life. To what extent do you think they know about the rejection principles in this blog?
- How might you talk with these children, both to hear any stories of them being rejected and to encourage them to appreciate how important their acceptance of their peers can be to those children’s self-esteem and self-confidence?
- How can you encourage the schools these children attend to learn about and embrace this very important concept?
Diane Wagenhals
Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute