The Impact of Criticism and What We All Need Instead

When is the last time someone criticized you? Do you remember what they said you were doing wrong? How did it make you feel?

A recent Facebook diagram inspired me to share some thoughts with you on this subject. (This diagram is at the end of the blog)

First, a definition of criticism from the website Oxford Languages: “the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes.”

Secondly, what are some of the reasons others are critical? According to the website Learning Minds:

“We’re all capable of being critical of others. Although it’s important to reign in our judgments and consider what we’re projecting out into the world, criticism is sometimes an involuntary reaction to something that we find upsetting.

However, there is a world of difference between being a little snarky about actions you might disagree with and being so critical of other people that you begin to fail to see the joy, light, and humor in the everyday…

Here are some of the secret truths that lie behind the bitter facade that consumes people who don’t have a nice word to say:

1. They’re on the Defensive

Overly critical people usually have a sensitive, fragile ego and lash out for fear that anything they can’t understand or relate to will crack away at their defenses.

Most of the time, criticism isn’t even a disagreement. It’s not because someone feels angry, upset, or betrayed. It’s because the outcome of somebody else’s decision making in some ways damages, threatens, or chips away at the critical person’s self-esteem.

 Most overly critical people have grown up in an environment of negativity and don’t know how else to react. Kids who are often put down and bullied by parents, peers, or older siblings can associate an argument – even a gentle one – as a direct attack. Therefore, they revert to criticism as a knee-jerk reaction to save themselves from an assault on their delicate ego.

2. Critical People Feel Unworthy of Love

It’s equally challenging to feel empathetic to a person who is constantly critical of others. Still, if you have detachment, patience, and commitment to being a part of this person’s life, it’s essential to recognize that criticism is sometimes a survival method.

3. Most of the Time, It’s Rooted in Jealousy

Another truth that we all know but don’t often articulate. Overly critical people usually don’t genuinely feel hurt by anybody. They deflect negativity from themselves or reflect their own emotions back out as a psychological defense mechanism.

4. They Lack Emotional Maturity

Superiority feels good. It can even be mistaken for authentic success. But, sometimes, it isn’t real.

Critical people can sometimes be naive or perhaps unrealistic about their own values. That might be because of a disconnection from reality, an inflated sense of self-worth, or perhaps straying into the dark world of narcissism.”

What can we do when someone criticizes us?

First, keep the possible reasons for their criticism in mind: they may be on the defensive because of their own fragile ego, they may feel unworthy of love, they may be jealous of you, and/or they may lack emotional maturity.

You can choose to ignore a criticism or you can provide an I-message. For example, “When you say you think I can’t make scrambled eggs right, I feel discouraged and doubt my ability to cook eggs.” You can also consider if there is some truth in what they are saying and maybe you should make some kind of change – go to YouTube for some suggestions on making scrambled eggs.😊

Becoming more aware of some of the dynamics and power of criticism can help you decipher someone’s critical messages and can give you opportunities to decide if and how you want to respond. You can notice what you have learned about yourself, the other person and your relationship with them.

You can also look in the mirror to consider if you tend to be critical and think about what the illustration that inspired this blog invites you to consider.

Invitation for Reflection

1. How often do you feel criticized by others? How does their criticism make you feel?
2. Does the list of some of the reasons behind criticism provide some insights for you?
3. How often are you critical of others?
4. Can you relate to some of the reasons behind critical messages?
5. What changes can you now consider about the nature and impact of criticism and the choices you have?

Diane Wagenhals

Director Emeritus, Lakeside Global Institute

#linesoflife #BeTheDifference